Snow-globetrottters
by notsosolemnly
Summary: The chaps form a new band, spy a gingerbread man and play some Pong in this advent calendar.
1. Chapter 1

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 1 SATURDAY**

So thick with smoke was the record shop on Mead Street Sirius could hardly see the records. The floors were riddled with fag butts and ther person responsible was the shop assistant himself, a young chap behind sunnies who went by the name of Kevin. He had long permed hair, wore a leather jacket and looked like the sort of person who hated showtunes with a passion.

"I can't breathe!" James wheezed.

"Let's have a look around," said Sirius.

He browsed through the newest albums, chose the ones that interested him the most and brought them to Kevin.

"I want to listen to these!" he said, laying them on the table. "This one first!"  
Kevin put away the MAD magazine and nodded.

"Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, great stuff. Queen, they're new. Not bad for a debut, track four on side one is probably my favourite on there."

"That was the one I really wanted to hear, too. But DP first!"

Kevin subsituted The Who's Quadrophenia for Deep Purple's Who Do We Think We Are.

"Oh yeah!" said Sirius, digging it. "Proper banging that! Don't you agree?"

"Um..," said James. "Sure. Very groovy!"  
Kevin shared a DP related anecdote just to show off. Then the tele-orb buzzed and he needed to take it because it was his boss.

Sirius had an idea. It wasn't brand new, but the world was ready for it!

"Prongs!"

"Wha?"

"Do you play any instruments?"

"Weeell... A few."  
"Awesome! What do you play?"

"A bit of the recorder, the tambourine, the maracas, the triangle. Oh! Oh! I was quite good at the one you stick between your teeth and it sounds Australian, do you know which one I mean?"

"The one you stick between your teeth? I have no idea. Moo?"

Remus tucked down his scarf to be able to speak.

"What?"

"Ever stuck something between your teeth and it made an Australian sound? If so, what was he called?"

Remus looked like he wanted to stick Sirius between his teeth and put him down under.

"Jew's harp."

"And what's the instrument called, do you know?"

"That's what it is called."

"I still don't know what it is. Do you play an instrument?"

"The piano. Why do you ask?"

"Because I want to start a band!"  
"Yeah we should totally do that!" said James, very excited! "What sort of band?"

"A rock band, 'course! What's your favourite rock band?"

"The Who."

"Moo?"

"Pink Floyd," said Remus.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"What's your favourite track by them?"

"Uhm. I really like the one about the choo choo train."

"Which one is that?"

"You know! _Choo choo train..."_

"That's not Pink Floyd."

"Isn't it?"

"No. Do you mean Neil Sedaka is your favourite rock band?"

"Guess so. Who's Pink Floyd, then?"

"This is Pink Floyd!"

Sirius showed him Dark Side of the Moon, and then asked Kevin to put it under the needle.

"Ohhh..," said Remus after half a minute.

"Not what you expected?"

"No. That is not the sort of music I expect from a man called Pink Floyd."

"Pink Floyd is not a man! It's a band!"

"Oh I see. It's some kind of rude innuendo, is it?"

Sirius really had no idea about that. But it would from then on be his conviction that Pink Floyd was somebody's willie.

"What's your favourite rock band, Wormtail?" James asked.

"The Who!" Peter replied without hesitation.

"So is mine! What's your favourite-"  
"The Second Doctor!"  
"-song. That's Doctor Who, that's a TV show, not rock band."

Peter's mouth opened and closed a couple of times.

"Do you watch Doctor Who?"

"It's my favourite show!"  
"That's fine. I hear lots of people like it, although I've never even seen it-"

"Me neither!"

"Ok so what do we call our band?" Sirius asked. "Remember guys, it must be edgy! Revenant Vicar! That's really good, because it's dual! A vicar is a holy man, but he's also a revenant, which is unholy, get it?"

"I get it!" said James. "Dual and religious-sounding, right? Bishop's Sin! Saint Belzebub! Pope Gamblers!"

"You got the direction right at least."

"Orgy Mass! Seven Deadly Cuddles!"  
James kept throwing out suggestions as they came to mind, and so did Sirius, but they struggled to come up with one they could all agree on.

"Randy Monks!"

"Cursed Communion!"

"Pink Tombstone!"  
Remus looked hopeful.

"We're not going with Pink Tombstone," James told him. "Or any bandname with the word 'pink' in it. I don't want us to be confused with Neil Sedaka."

"I wouldn't rule out the word 'pink'," said Sirius. "Maybe we can reach some sort of compromise."  
"What compromise?" Remus asked.

"I can do you a Pink Werewolf."

"Pass."

"What if we just make it our band name, then?"

"I can do you a Black Werewolf."

Oh snap!

"Bring it, fur-herder!"  
"That's a really good band name," James thought.

"I think so too."

"Except it has your name in it, makes it seem like your band."

"That's what so good about it."

"Can we go with something else, 'though?" Remus asked.

"Think of something even better and we'll go with that."

He shrugged. "S&M Nuns?

That was also a damn good band name actually. 


	2. Chapter 2

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 2 SUNDAY**

The music practice chamber had everything a newly formed band could need. Sirius picked up an electric guitar and James and electric bass. Sirius knew how to play the guitar. James did not really know how to play the bass, but he figured it couldn't be that hard since it looked easy. Remus switched on the electric organ and Peter found himself some kind of rattle made from an exotically painted gourd. James positioned himself behind the microphone and switched it on.

"Testing. Testing. WEEEEOOONNNNGGG. Is this thing on?"

"Move over. That's the lead singer spot," said Sirius.

"I know. I'm the lead singer."

It looked like they would have to settle this with rock, scissors and parchment. James won.

"You probably can't harmonise anyway..," Sirius muttered and moved out of the way.

James recalled the bass guitar intro of _Stand By Me_ and attempted playing it, although not without constantly hitting the wrong note.

" _OH DARLING, DARLING!"_

Lovely.

"Hey should we all get edgy rock star names?"

"I guess we could do that," said Sirius. "I didn't know that was a thing, but ok."  
"Of course it's a thing! All the guys in the heavy metal band Exploding Shnaps have edgy rockstar names!"  
"Do they?"

"Yeah! They're all called things like Vincent Sanguine, Nero Vile and Merak Scabies."  
"Those aren't edgy rockstar names. Those are very traditional names."

"Oh yeah..."

James only just realised that those were all in fact Slytherin names! He was having second thoughts now.

"I have an edgy rockstar name!" said Sirius. "I want to be Crazed Nymfo. Craze for short!"

"In that case I want to be Plastered Narco!"  
"And you nerds, what are your edgy rockstar names?"

"Edgy rockstar names?" said Remus.

"Edgy rockstar names. It can be anything, as long as its dark and edgy!"

"Uhm... Bloody Gutz."

"Do you always have bloody guts on your mind?"

"Only when you're near."

"And what about you Wormtail?" James asked. "What's your edgy rockstar name?"

Peter look up from the triangle. "Edgy?"

"Yes."

"It's Edgy."

"Ok. Edgy what?"

"Pettigrew."

"You're Stinky Vomit, alright? Ok, so that's settled!"

So they had their band name, their rock star names and their instruments. Now to the most difficult part of all: writing the songs.

After just standing around, thinking with blank minds, Sirius got bored and began playing agressively on the guitar.

"How about you make something up?" he yelled over the "music".

James shrugged, cupped the microphone and put his lips close to it.

"SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN SATAN!" he screamed. Sirius gave him thumbs up.

A hit was surely in the making.


	3. Chapter 3

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 3 MONDAY**

James and Sirius spent all day writing songs for their edgy band and they ran straight to the Music Practice Chamber to rehearse them as soon as they were free.

Sirius gave out copies of the lyrics to one of his songs to everybody.

"We're doing mine first! It's called 'The System Is Crap'."

"What are these lines with the dots?" James asked.

"That's called sheet music."

James rolled his eyes. "'That's called sheet music!' 'I've had piano lessons!' 'I want my bowl of soup on a plate!' "

"Moo wanted sheet music, alright? So there!"

" ' I must have sheet music!' 'I've had piano lessons!' 'I want my cup of tea on a matching saucer!' "

"There you are Moo! Does that help?"

Remus leaned over the electric organ and had a look at the sheet music.

"Sure."

"Do you need time to practice?"

"Practice hitting the same three chords over and over? I think I'll manage."

"Aha, so you've very cleverly noticed my song is only comprised of three chords!"  
"Was it supposed to be a secret?"

"It's like a statement, a growing movement, it has to do with rebellion and using only three chords in songs."

"What's the statement?"

"I dunno let's just do the song already!"

Sirius began to hit away on the guitar strings at a very fast and loud pace. James screamed into the microphone.

" _THE SYSTEM IS CRAP! THE SYSTEM IS CRAP! THE SYSTEM IS CRAP! THE SYSTEM IS CRAP!"_

By the end of it he threw the microphone on the floor and kicked a sheet music stand and Sirius hit the guitar against the wall until it broke. But it was alright because the instruments were self-repairing. At least they thought it was, because they didn't see Remus magi-mending the stuff.

James drank some water.

"We sound great. I want to grow my hair really long!"  
"We do," Sirius agreed. "I've written ten songs today, you've written ten songs today. We're practically ready for a concert!"  
"We should perform at the Yule Ball!"  
"Yes we should!"

But they needed to ask McGonagall about it first.


	4. Chapter 4

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 4 TUESDAY**

The band that was supposed to have performed at the Yule Ball had all caught the flu, so after the surprisingly immediate permission from Professor McGonagall, S&M Nunz rehearsed with even more ambition than before. It wasn't just a game anymore. It was bloody serious.

And Sirius had thankfully abandoned the whole 'trying to be rebellious and angry' thing. His lyrics were more weird now. And James only hoped he could do them justice.

" _This is lieutenant Geoffrey_

 _To the mission control center_

 _My saucer is broken_

 _I will die in space_

 _Planet Mars is red_

 _I will be dead"_

That was the very last verse of Cosmonautical Weirdness.

"Profound stuff!" said James. "I don't know how you come up with it!"  
"What can I say? Just got it in me, I guess!" said Sirius.

He put down the guitar, went through his pocket and found something very naughty indeed!  
"Where did you get fags?" James asked, impressed.

"McGonagalls confiscation basket. She's confiscated lots!"

"Give me one! Have you smoked before?"

Sirius lit both his and James's cigarette and they stuck them in their mouth, feeling very badass.

"Once."

Sirius drew smoke into his lungs and began to cough really badly. His eyes watered and his cheeks took a greenish hue.

"Should get used to it any time now."

James did the same and suffered the same effects.

"Oh yeah!" he wheezed. "That's the" COUGH! "stuff!"

"Great for all that" COUGH! "stress, you know."

"Oh yeah, the" COUGH! "stress! So" COUGH! "relaxing!"

When they weren't coughing so much anymore, they decided that this activity was such a good one they wanted to introduce Remus to it. He was always doing homework, and now he had spread it out on the electric organ. He needed to relax and bubblegum just couldn't be very strong at all.

"Do you want one?" James asked.

"No thank you," Remus replied, gathering all that homework closer to him.

"All the cool kids are doing it!" Sirius insisted. "Don't you want to be cool?"

"Well, ok then, if stunting my growth will make me cool."

"Woah!" said James. "Smoking stunts growth?"

"That's what Pomfrey says anyway."

"Pfft, so does crisps if you have too much of it!" Sirius snorted.

"That's cancer you're thinking of."  
"So what you're saying," said James, actually concerned about this. "is that contrary to what the Prophet says, smoking will actually make me ... _there?"_

"Especially _there!"_

"Especially _there?"_

"Your brain will suffer the most!"

James took the fag out of his mouth. "Suddenly I don't feel so relaxed."

"Oh come on," said Sirius, not as scared. "You probably need to smoke ten packets a day to stunt any growth. One fag is hardly going to."  
"You're probably right. So I think I've had enough for now, since I would rather not stunt my growth _there."_

So Sirius decided that perhaps he, too, had been smoking enough for one day.

"Ok smoking break is over."

The door to the music practice chamber opened and the chaps put their glowing fags behind their backs and whistled.

Mr Filth the caretaker came with a box of yule decorations that he was going to put up. Professor McGonagall came to return _Fantastic Hits: The Fifties_ and _Fantastic Hits: The Sixites._

"I'm putting them here, in case you'd like to browse through them," she said and put the books in the cupboard.

She was just leaving when she stopped to have a whiff of the air.

"I smell smoke."  
A well timed fall from a ladder had Professor McGonagall look Mr Filth's way long enough for the chaps to chuck their fags in a cello. She turned back to them once he had regained control of the Tickling Tinsel.

"The cello is on fire!"  
The cello had caught fire so quickly and unnoticably. By the time McGonagall had put it out only a bit of neck remained as a recognisable cello component, the rest was ashes. She was outraged.

"I demand that one of you explain to me now why the cello just burned down! Nobody? In that case you can forget about performing at the Yule Ball!"

 _There_ was the McGonagall they all knew and loved!  
"It was me I thought I saw glowing red eyes in there," said Remus.

James and Sirius didn't know if that was actually the truth, or if his nerves had caught up with him and he was actually trying to get out of performing at the Yule Ball.

"You saw glowing red eyes?" said McGonagall.

She would not entertain anybody else's nonsensical excuses but she would entertain his! She was so partial and she wasn't even trying to hide it and this annoyed James and Sirius greatly. She looked closer at what remained of the cello.

"If you see any fag butts in there it's because I saw a Stinkygunk and I was trying to confuse it!" said Sirius.

McGonagall ignored him, judging him too insincere to even acknowlegde, and poked around in the ashes with her Scots Pine, Nessie tusk.

The glowing red eyes hadn't been a "clever" lie. A gingerbread man with red icing eyes and three white buttons and about the size of a carton of pills sprung from the ashes and ran across the room.

"My word!" McGonagall exclaimed.

"You can't catch me!" it laughed and disappeared in a crack of smoke.

"I better alert the chef. Right. Now, did I bring those books?"

"You did," said James.

"There's more in the cupboard if you need it."

"Thanks but we don't," said Sirius. "We're a proper rock band, not some Neil Sedaka tribute act."  
"What songs do you do?"

"We do our own material."

McGonagall looked worried. Worried that maybe the band was _so_ good all the ladies (and gents) were going to ecxplode from overheating!

"Can you play something for me now?"

The chaps assumed positions gladly and gave her an earful with _The System Is Crap._ McGonagall was silenced by the profound message of the song.

"We're S&M Nunz," James told her. "I'm Narco and that's Craze and that's-"  
"Ok just stop right there," said McGonagall. "You can't play on the Yule Ball?"

"Why not? Is it because rock is the devil's music?" Sirius asked.

"The Yule Ball is a dance event, not a rock concert. Your music isn't danceable. I need to find a different band."  
"No don't do that!" said James. "We can do dance-y stuff, can't we?"

"Can you?"

"Of course we can! Right guys?"

"In that case I want you to only take songs from the books you find here. I will be checking on you."


	5. Chapter 5

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 5 WEDNESDAY**

It was brioche week in the Home Economics tent. Last week Rora had wowed the judges with her telescope pavlova showstopper, and Mona Weed had been suspended for the rest of the month after Mr Romsay had caught the nargles from her soggy quiche. Collecting pie fillings from toilet seats was just unsanitary!

"You have the recipes," said Mr Romsay, his arms folded. "Don't make it shit. You have four hours."  
For hours? The next class was in one.

"On your mark, get set, bake!" said Roy.

"Go to your work bench," Mr Romsay told him.

Roy sulked all the way to the table. He hated baking because he believe it encouraged between-the-meals snacking.

When it came to baking James was clueless. He never watched his mum bake because he had hobbies.

"What even is a brioche? Is it like some obscure Victorian tart? Shut up, Padfoot."  
Sirius closed his mouth. Then he opened it again.

"I was just going to tell you that it's a breadroll."

" _Créme_ _brulée!_ Sure you were."

"I never were a créme brulée."

"Just call it a breadroll, then!"

"I just did."

Peter was quite good at baking actually. He hadn't come last in any challenge so James decided to team up with him and let him do all the work. Sirius, too, joined their party, as did Remus after his bubblegum got stuck in his dough. He could not afford to finish last in the signature bake again.

"I think we should change our band name," said Sirius, filing his nails. "A pop group can't be called S&M Nuns."  
"It'd be like a psychedelic rock band being called Pink Floyd, I guess," said James. "Should it be something Christmas-y, like Jo & The Wise Men?"

"Or Camel & The Toes."

"Ginger & The Bread Men."

"I got a name!" said Peter.

"Ok what is it?"

"Edgy!"  
"Here's a cheesy one!" said James. "What about The Mistletoez?"

Now there was a name they could all agree on.

"I wish to bring up another thing as well," said Sirius.

"Do it, my friend."

"We need a bass player."

"But I am the bass player!"  
"But you're crap at it."  
"I know. Do we need to hold an audition?"

"Is the pope alcholic?" 


	6. Chapter 6

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 6 THURSDAY**

James and Sirius put up a note of the audition on the notice board in the morning. They hoped to find a new bass player that day.

"Should we get a new drummer as well?" Sirius asked.

"I know Wormtail is a crap drummer but it wouldn't be nice to sack him!" said James.

"I never said we had to sack him. He can play the tambourine."

"...Oh. Good. Good thinking. But surely a tambourine player would need some sense of rhytm?"

"Absolutely so we better have the jingly bits taken out."

"Ok. Add to the note that we need a drummer too."  
So Sirius did just that.

A formidable queue had formed outside the music practice room in the afternoon. About six or seven of them were rejected on acount of being too anonymous.

Then the turn came to Fletcher.

"Hi I'm here for the audition!" he said.

Fletcher was a short, fat, dirty and smelly Hufflepuff. Sirius groaned, because this was going to be a waste of time and he really wanted to go and play Pong.

" _You_ play?" he asked, sounding scornful because to him, Fletcher belonged in the school orchestra behind something dorky like the tuba.

"No. But I hear there's women in it," Fletcher replied.

"Pfft, you're doing it to get women?"

"Ok drugs."

James thought they could let him have a go just for the laugh. Fletcher picked up the bass and played a simple but recognisable tune. He hummed over it.

" _Do do do do do do, do do do do do do-_ It's My Girl by The Temptations- _I got sunshine on a cloud today..."_

"We got that," said Sirius.

"Not bad," James thought.

"Maybe not but since we're going through all this trouble we might as well get somebody with actual talent. A three year old could play that."

"Ok what about this then?" Fletcher asked.

The next song had his fingers working a little more quickly.

"Do you know it? I heard it on the radio the other day. It's called Hot Crisps or Candyfloss or something."  
Now that really was impressive.

"How long did it take you to learn that?" Sirius asked.

"This is the first time I'm having a go at it, actually."

"Pull the other one!"  
"It's true!"

"Then you've been taking some talent potion! Do you seriously expect us to believe you can play Popcorn perfectly on the first try?"

Fletcher shrugged. "I'm a Hufflepuff."

"So? Are all Hufflepuffs genious bass players?"

"You didn't hear this year's hat song, did you?"

"Only caught the bit about Slytherins and kazoos."

Fletcher cleared his throat to recite the verse:

" _Or maybe Hufflepuff_

 _Where I think you will find_

 _You will find there's lots to find_

 _If you'd like to find a find_

We're good finders, yeah?"

"What of it?" James asked because he failed to find the relevance.

"It means I can find a root note."

"Oh."

Sirius was impressed and annoyed at the same time. He was annoyed because he was so impressed.

But those were two songs and Fletcher could be good at finding tall tales. He picked up the guitar.

"Alright. The next test is to show how well you can adapt to me."

He began to play Love Train. If Fletcher knew it he didn't say it. He listened for a couple of beats before he played along. It sounded really good. Sirius put down the guitar again.

"He's better than we actually need him to be," said James, because mostly they'd be doing Tom Jones and Neil Sedaka anyway. "Besides I really want to go and play Pong."

"Me too. Ok guess you're in, Fletch."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" said Fletcher.

Now they needed to go through all the drummers, when they really wanted to go and play Pong. James had an idea.

"Should ask who's a Hufflepuff and then just pick that Hufflepuff?"

"Beau Marceau is out there," said Fletcher.

"The mime who takes photos for the School Paper? The chap doesn't talk!"

"He's a good mime, 'though. Really good. Freakishly good."

Sirius went to tell Marceau to come down from his rope and audition.

Beau Marceau was also a boy of the Hufflepuff house, also thirteen and he never spoke. Nobody was sure why he never spoke, or how come he was allowed to paint his face white and wear a beret in class.

"Hi Beau!" said Fletcher.

Marceau merely waved at them all.

"You here to audition to be our drummer, then?" James asked.

Marceau nodded.

"You doing it for the drugs, then?" Sirius asked.

Marceau shook his head. He mimed.

"Oh. Ok. That's cool. The drums are over there."  
But Marceau didn't go to sit behind the drums. Instead he mimed he was holding drumsticks and that he was beating an invisible drum kit.

He was _so_ good the chaps could actually _hear_ him. And he was clearly a fan of Ginger Baker, because he smelled of ginger and he had just mimed it. But he was clearly also a fan of the drummer from Cream.

So he was in. But the chaps still insisted he sat behind the drums, because it looked better on stage.

XXX

That night Sirius brought a giant shoe and a whole bunch of carrots to the dorm. James was not expecting that kind of behaviour from him.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm stuffing a bunch of carrots in a giant shoe."

"Is it to confuse the giant rabbit?"

"It's French custom."

"To confuse the giant rabbit?"

"In Wicked France, or to you and me, France, today is Pere Fouettard Day."  
"Barefoot Day, that doesn't sound so wicked. Do they make the poor walk on nails or something?"

"No, you're thinking of the Feet of Fools. Pere Fouettard means something like Father Spank. On this day he travels around on his flying ass, delivering presents to anybody who is French enough as long as they have left carrots for his ass."

"Father Spank? Really?"

"It's true."

"Like it's true that _Voulez vous coucher avec moi?_ means: can I give you a squash?"

Sirius continued stuffing the huge shoe with carrots for Mr Spank's ass.

"How French is 'French enough'?" James asked.

"If you say you have a French ancestor, you are French enough."

"Oh. So all I have to do is say I have a French ancestor, and then I'm French enough for Spank Dad?"

"Yup!"

" _Tres...cul..."_

James began to help stuffing the shoe with carrots. There were quite a lot of them.

"Where did you get a giant shoe?"

"Beardie Weirdie, 'course!"

"The boardgame keeper with the courgette patch garden let you borrow a piece from his giant monopoly set?"

James was surprised, because one time, he and Sirius had nicked his giant underpants and shrunk them all. So the boardgame keeper didn't like them very much.

"Well, Moony asked for me," Sirius confessed. "Hey come and stuff the shoe with us!"

"I don't know," Remus replied. "I don't want to be judged."

"Ok, but you might get a present if you _don't_ behave!"

"But I might also get spanked if I do."

"Whichever you prefer."

Sirius explained that Spank Dad's ass had some kind of inner radar for tracking down all the carrot filled shoes in the world tonight. So Remus decided to give not-behaving a go.

"Ffff," he said.

"What are you doing? Are you trying to whistle?"

"That is not... what your _mum_ said."

"Huh?"

"In my b...boudoir."

Sirius began to laugh _so hard_ at that.

"Your boudoir!"

James couldn't really see what was so funny.

"What's a boudoir?"

"It's a room where women go when they are in a pissy mood!"

Now he could.

"No it's not!" said Remus.

"Yes it is!"

"It used to be that, but today it just refers to a... woman's private sitting room."

"In which one of your private woman rooms did you chat with my mum?"

"I meant to say _her_ boudoir."

"Was it the boudoir with the barred window, or the boudoir with the shredded mattress?"  
"It was the one that has your bed in it."

"As long as you didn't shred it."

"Your _mum-_ I can't do this."

"I've noticed."  
It was already past bedtime when they were finished stuffing the shoe with carrots. But they were too wound up and excited to stay in tonight, so they decided to sneak out and play some Pong.

XXX

Entering the Chamber of Games at this hour, when the lights were down and there was nobody else there, was like being a child in a kind of premise for the production of confections.

How beautiful the Atari Pong Machine looked, so tall and yellow.

"Alright!" said James and Sirius. They were going to play each other first.

"Oooh watch me go! Boop!"

"Eat dust! Boop!"

"Oh my God it's like the future! Boop!"

"Captain, the Pongs are attacking! Boop!"

"Ooooeeeoooeooooo it's the theme from Star Trek oooooeeeooo. Boop!"

"Where you getting Star Trek from? This isn't some game, set in space, with invaders."

"Wouldn't it be great if it was, 'though?"

"A chap can dream. Boop."

"Boop."

They played in the darkness until Sirius lost the game and he had to give up his joystick. Then the lights went up and they feared it was teachers.

But it was a lot worse!

"Get out we're playing now!" said a big twit of a lad called Hardy. He and his chums were always hogging the Pong machine. Now they pushed James and his chums out of he way like they were dust on fleas.

"We were playing!" James told their stupid faces.

Davies, another lad, turned to him. His golden badge flashed. A prefect!

"You're not supposed to be out of bed at this hour. Why don't you run along?"

There just was no arguing with a prefect and his vaguely defined prefect powers! What were they, really, if not ordinary students with a particular knack for charming the teachers?

"Let's just go," said Sirius, acting cool.

But outside the Chamber of Games, he was less than cool. He was sizzling.

"Damn it!" he swore, kicking the wall. "If I can't play Pong I don't want anybody to play Pong!"

"What are we going to do, destroy Pong forever?" James asked.

"Of course not."

Sirius began to scream at the top of his lung, not stopping for anybody's shushing.

"HEEELP! HEEELP!"

James, too, began to scream and then they all ran inside the Chamber of Wizard's Cluedo. They monitored the map closely in the snooker room. Hardy and his mates ran out of the Chamber of Games, hesitated on what direction to take, and decided to run right past the Chamber of Wizard's Cluedo. Mr Filth turned up, looking for the source of the screams and walking right past the chamber in which the chaps were currently hiding.

"Coast looks clear," said Sirius.

James high-fived him. "Ok who wants to play me then?"

There was a sound of a crack, and the warm smell of cinnamon and cloves. The Gingerbread Man had appeared!

Remus whipped out one of those spherical vending toy capsules in a flash and threw it at the Gingerbread Man, but it disappeared before the capsule even hit it. He sighed, exasperated and retrieved the ball.

"What is that ball in your hand?" James asked.

"Compact collecting. It's a means for keeping monsters in your pockets. I call it... I can't remember what but it was catchy."

"Catchy is pretty good."

Remus opened the Catchy and found a small button of icing.

"So it works on things, does it?" Sirius asked.

"Seems like it."

"Come on then!"

They looked at the map again real quick before returning to the Chamber of Games. There Sirius urged Remus to throw his Catchy on the Pong machine, which he did. The Catchy ate the entire machine and this way they could carry it with them to the dorm. There Remus released the Pong machine and now they had their very own Pong machine while those twats didn't have any!

They played Pong for hours until the clock struck midnight and they could hear the roof above the window creak. It had to be Spank Dad getting off his ass.  
"What now?" James asked. "Do we pretend to be asleep?"

Spank Dad and his ass were already climbing through the window and messing down the floor with snow. James had envisioned a man in leather tights and a fishnet top. He had not envisioned the powdered wig.

"Bon soir!"

He gave his whip a lash and made the boys a little scared.

Then he said a whole bunch of things in French that James didn't understand while his ass scoffed the carrots. When the shoe was empty it regurgitated four rather small presents.

"Au revoir!"

Spank Dad climbed out the window, his fat ass lagging behind. A strong wind blew and the roof stopped creaking. The boys began to tear open their presents. Sirius recieved a really nice guitar pick, James some fancy looking broom varnish and Peter a box of custard so they were all content. Remus wasn't so content with the snow globe.

"If anybody wants it..," he said, offering it around.

"That's a really nice snow globe how can you give it away?" James asked.

"Sounds to me like you want it. Take it."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Yeah I mean look at that!" Sirius agreed. "So spherical, so white it's almost luminous! That is a pretty item by anybody's standards!"

"Take it, then," said Remus.

"It's not because it's round, is it?"

"What of it?"

"What about your bubblegum?"

"I'm not saying it's rational."

"Your fear of spheres?"

"No my un-fear of bubblegum."

"Fine. But don't give it away for that would just offend Spank Dad."

"Oh dear. Have I offended him now?"

"Just put it away somewhere if you don't like it."  
"Ok then. Although I think I would actually prefer a good spanking..."

"You won't get a good spanking! You will get a bad spanking!"


	7. Chapter 7

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 7 FRIDAY**

Somewhere in the thick library dust, the chaps were doing homework. Yes, they sometimes did their homework.

"When I thought Defense Against the Dark Arse class couldn't get any weirder," said James. "I find myself having to write ten pages about the dangers of brawn."

"What you got so far?" Sirius asked.

" 'I thoroughly disagree that the character trait that is brawn poses any threat.' That's it."

"No, that's all wrong! It's not ten pages about brawn!"

"Isn't it?"

"It's about brawn!"

"Ok what have you got then?"

Sirius bunched his pages together.

" 'Brawn is dangerous because of the fat content.' But I just don't know how to elaborate on that."

"Oh, it's about the _food!_ Well that makes a lot more sense..."

"I wrote something!" said Peter.

"What did you write then?"

" 'Head cheese isn't actually cheese.' "

They all seemed to have missed some vital information when they had spent Defense Against the Dark Arse class daydreaming about playing Pong.

"Why are we writing about _food?"_ James sighed.

"Maybe a good diet is vital to good defense?"

"Do you mind if I put that down? I could probably manage ten pages of salad recipes if I just list all the vegetables I know! Let's see. 'Brawn and similarly fatty foods will make you drowsy. Salad, however, will keep you fit and energised! I propose a well balanced diet of cucumbers, carrots, tomatos, peppers' _..."_ Hm. " 'Sprouts' _"_ Hmmmm. "Um... 'Broccoli'."

Maybe if he wrote with very big letters.

Sirius saw that the ten pages Remus had written on brawn just sort of lied there, put aside with pages down to avoid curiosity while he researched something else. So he snatched them, and if it seemed at all plausible and less silly, he'd rewrite it for his own use.

But it didn't seem a lot _less_ silly.

" 'The Hungarian Brawn is not to be dismissed because of its size or shape for it has an insatiable appetite for human beings _.'_ Ok, what even _is_ the Hungarian Brawn?"

"A Hungarian delicacy, it's a type of cold cut terrine made with meat jelly and other things," Remus replied.

"How can something be a delicacy and eat people at the same time?"

"Have you never even heard of gluten?"

Sirius skimmed through the remaining pages.

" 'The best way to combat the Hungarian Brawn is to stuff it with food until it bursts, the most effective choice being bubblegum.'Ok that I just don't believe. I don't think you should go around writing that like it's fact. It just seems like poor report etiquette, to not make it clear it's just your opinion."

"It is fact, 'though."

"Is it? Have you read it anywhere?"

"No but it's fact."

"If you didn't read it anywhere it's not fact."

"I have read it. I read it when I wrote it. Fact."

Well he was due for bonkers. Sirius continued reading, now wondering if he could trust _anything_ in there. A little note that had been stuck between the pages fell out. It didn't seem to relate to the subject of Hungarian Brawn at all. The topic was closer to gluten.

" 'I'm quarter-gone

I'm half gone

I'm three-quarters gone

I'm all gone' "

"That's from The Gingerbread Man," James registered correctly. "What's that got to do with the Hungarian Brawn?"

"Oh, I don't know how that got there," said Remus, and stuck the note elsewhere.

"Why have you got that written down?"

"It just seemed meaningful."

He was surrounded by heaps of books on two distinct and seemingly unrelated topics: gingerbread and foxes.

"Remember the gingerbread man in the cello that caught fire?"

"Nope."

"How does the fox come in?" Sirius asked.

"Because, according to the Bedtime Prophecy, it is a fox that catches the gingerbread man in the end. So that's why I'm looking into foxes. Because I want to catch the gingerbread man."

"As I recall that bedtime prophecy, the fox also eats it."

"I know. That's the problem."

Indeed.

"I know. Why not turn into a fox? It's really easy, and we've already done every mistake in the book."

"No way I don't want to turn into anything."

Oh well.

"Guess you'll just have to get a pet fox," said James.

"Ever heard of the pet regulations?"

"No but it sounds familiar."

Oh well.

"Familiar? That's it!"

And then he rushed off.


	8. Chapter 8

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 8 SATURDAY**

In order to be placed under the Familiar Trance, it was necessary to brew an ancient potion consisting of the rare seering frog, Tutankhamuns ectoplasm and the mellificated nose of Alexander the Great. This then had to be brought to a simmer in the fiery pits of the Smoking Mountains and left there to cook under a lid for 25 years.

The other way was to simply add water to the instant potion mix.

With the potion mixed together, the chaps brought it to the Chamber of Arcane Rituals. They stepped up on the large, circular platform and began to draw the various details of the Familairs-rune.

"It must be awesome having a familiar," said James. "I hear it's tied to ones personality. So I can't wait for my bison familiar!"

"Dibs on the tiger!" said Sirius.

They finished drawing the rune, got up, brushed chalk dust off their knees and went to stand outside the large circular marking. Remus eyed the enchantment.

"Just a thought," said James. "What if you don't get a fox?"

"I will see it so I get a fox," Remus replied.

"How? Do we all get to choose?"

"No, but, I mean, you know."  
"No I don't, it's why I asked."  
"Foxes are known to be intelligent and, not to pull my own horn or anything, I don't think I'm the dumbest tool in the shed."

"Get over yourself seriously."  
"Foxes are known to be cunning, there's a difference," Sirius pointed out.

"Are you saying I'm not cunning?"

"I'm saying you have many qualities."

"You just wait, while I go inside the rune and show you just how cunning I can be!"

Remus closed the book and put it away. He had a swig of the potion, then he stepped into the center of the familiaris rune and recited the words from memory. He was put in an instant trance.

XXX

The spirit plane was dark. Remus didn't know where he was and he couldn't see a thing. He almost knocked over a giant crystal ball, of which he could see the faint glowing edge once his eyes had adjusted slightly. Oh crap, he hated spherical objects and perfect circles.

Yet it seemed obvious to him that this giant crystal ball was going to play a pivotal role in the spirit test, so he touched it. It burst to light the minute he felt it with his fingertips. Something white and wispy and without a defined shape emerged.

" _I am your half-spirit,"_ it said, sounding like Barry White.

"Oh, cool. Soooooo..."

" _You are here because you have chosen to embark on the Journey of the Self. But before you may find your Familiar, you must face the Trials."_

Gulp. "What are the trials?"

" _They are questions that have to do with your innermost being. Think carefully before you answer them. Are you ready?"_

"Uhm... Yeah ok."

" _Question one: What is your favourite fizzy drink?"_

 _"_ Bubblegum pop. _"_

 _"What is your favourite genre of music?"_

 _"_ Bubblegum pop. _"_

 _"If you could invent a fad dance, what would you name it?"_

 _"_ The Bubblegum Pop. _"_

 _"Very good. The trial is a lot quicker when you skip the alternatives. So, question four-"_

 _"_ Hold on! Alternatives? Can we start over, please?"

" _What is your favourite colour? Is it A, bubblegum pink, B, salmon pink, C, orange."_

"Orange!"

" _If you stumbled upon a five pound note, would you: A, keep it. B, give it to charity. C, Stick it on top of a bundle of notes, tie a string around it and then use it to trick people in the park?"_

"C. No, A!"

" _You would cheat on a test. A, never. B, always. C, sometimes."_

 _"_ B. What are these questions?"

" _Just something I found online. You're in a hurry to a party and an old woman needs help crossing the street. Do you A, help her across the street and arrive late to the party. B, kick her before a speeding car. C, go to the pub and arrive late anyway."_

 _"_ Well B is just mean. Maybe C... Although, since I am so cunning, I think I would help her because then she would owe me and I would still arrive fashionably late. So A!"

" _Correct. That was the last question!"  
_ "So how did I do?"

The spirit-half began to flicker.

" _You can't lie to your spirit-half! You lied on virtually all questions, which only shows that you are self-serving and value your own motifs over honesty, so it stands to reason that the familiar form that best matches your own spirit should be the most notorious liar of the animal kingdom!"_

The wispy thing disappeared, and the light in the crystal ball went out. Remus began to fear he was going to be punished with an earwig or something.

Then a white bunny rabbit came hopping towards him. _That_ was the most notorious liar in all the animal kingdom?

He would rather have taken the earwig.

XXX

Ten minutes or so later James and Sirius were _almost_ done laughing.

"Familiar spirit? More like familiar lunch!" said James.

"The spirit-half must have sensed your spirit-cravings!" said Sirius.

And more _hilaaaaaaaarious_ remarks in that vein.

"Then how come it doesn't have your face on it?" Remus retorted.

"You mean how come it doesn't have my gran's face on it?"

"That depends, dunnit?"

"On what?"

"On what your gran looks like!"

Oh snap.

"Cheeky!"

"Guess you were a bit too quick when you beat your tool before," said James.

"I guess it's back to the fox drawing board," said Remus.

"Despair not yet, 'though," said Sirius. "I want to have a go now. I think my fox familiar chances are as good as anyone's can be."

"Really?"

Sirius had a quick swig of the trance-inducing potion, stepped into the center of the platform and recited the enchantment.

XXX

Sirius could see nothing except for the glowing contours of a huge ball, so he did the sensible thing and touched it without hesitation.

It exploded with light and a wispy thing emerged.

" _You are here because you have chosen to embark on on the Journey of the Self..."_

Bla, bla, bla. What was for dinner? Would he have time to play Pong afterwards?

" _QUESTION 1!"_

"Huh? Oh, question 1. Shoot."

" _What is your favourite colour?"_

"Black.

" _Question 2: What is your favourite Rolling Stones song?"_

"Paint It Black."

 _"Question 3: What is the fiftieth shade of grey?"_

"Hmmm. Is it... black?"

" _Correct. Question 4: If you were to invent a candy themed fad dance, what would you call it?"_

"The Liquorice Twizzler."

" _Question 5: Which of the following is your favourite animal? A, The Black Widow, B, The Scorpion, C, The Red Fox."  
_ "The Black Widow."

 _"Question 6-"_

"No!"

" _No?"_

"I meant the scorpion."

" _Alright._ _Because of your mum._ _Question 7-"_

"Oi what's my mum got to do with it?"

" _Question 7-"_

"Although, if I say red fox, will I get a red fox?"

" _I can't reveal that."_

"Because I want a red fox."

" _Oh, do you?"_

 _"_ Yes. So can I just have a red fox?"

" _Well... I_ was _going to give you a silver fox, actually."_

"That's fine too."

 _"Ok here you are then."_

"Thanks very much cheers."  
And the wispy thing became a silver fox. Sweet.


	9. Chapter 9

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 9 SUNDAY**

So Remus got his bunny rabbit familiar, Sirius his silver fox, James his narwhal and Peter his earwig. It wasn't size that mattered, but how you trained it. Not according to James, 'though. Currently all the familiars were in the spirit plane.

"And once again," said James to Sirius when they were in the dorm playing Pong. "You and Moo, your familiars are roughly the same size, Wormtail's is pathetically small, while mine is big and horny. Like, what does that say about my anatomy as compared to your anatomy?"

"It's saying that you are overcompensating and insecure in your own masculinity."

"My spirit is a symbol of testosterone and manhood."

"Your spirit is a prick."

James won. _Again._ Siris was getting tired of this..

"Oh I just remembered!" he said and stepped away from the Atari machine. "I have an audition."

"Macbeth."

Sirius ran as fast as he could to the chamber of drama.

The head of the Hogwarts Theatre Troupe, a year-six chap called Drew Dee, sat slouched in the front row, his legs thrown over the seat beside him, papers in his leather-trousered lap. He wore sunglasses indoors all year round, he was _that_ cool.

A boy on stage was half-way through the first verse of _I Don't Know How To Love Him_ when Drew said:

"NEXT!"  
"I can do something else!"

Sirius ran up on stage and began to introduce himself although it wasn't his turn.

"Oi get in line!" yelled a chap from behind a curtain.

Sirius gave him the finger. The chap, who was bigger, stronger and older, barged onto stage with his wand drawn.

"You shouldn't pick on someone smaller than you!" said Sirius and ran to find protection behind Drew.

"Protect me, Drew!"

"Who are you?" Drew asked.

"I am your Grinch!"

"Dream on! You're too small to be the Grinch! You can be a Who if you want!"

"Hey, what if, instead of a Who-Ville, you have a The Who Ville? And instead of Whos, you have The Who? And they all live in a ville together, get it? And they can sing: _The Grinch, he tried to put Christmas d-d-down! Talking 'bout how Grinch stole Christmas!_ "

Drew scratched his chin.

"I like you, because you remind me of a young me."

"Awesome does that mean I can audition for the part of the Grinch?"

Drew shook his head. "This audition is only for those who are 15 and over and you are clearly just twelve."

"I'm thirteen!"

"Now get out."

"Fine!"

Sirius began to walk away. He turned back.

"Just one thing, Drew."

"What?"

"I know what you did."

"What?"

"I _know_ what you did. I _saw_ it."

Another pause.

"I was _there._ I saw _everything."  
_ "Alright! You may audition! You won't get the part, you'll only waste your time and mine but by all means, do it."

Sirius ran up the stage, asked to have the piano moved center stage and for the pianist to go away. Then he sat down on the stool, stretched his fingers and posture and sang with a Marilyn Monroe-esque jazzy sensuality.

" _You're a mean one_

 _Mr Grinch_

 _You got termites in your smile_

 _You're as smelly as a rotten cheese cloth_

 _Hat stand telephone dial_

 _Mr Griii-INCH!"_

He swivelled around on the piano stool, eeled up on the Grand Piano and spoke, lounge-y:

" _Given the choice between you and a manky old rat sack, I'll take_

 _THE ARSENIC SAAAAAUCE!"_

Then he showed off a bit by playing piano with his feet. Shoes on and all.

Drew slow-clapped.

" got the part."

Sirius hopped off the stage and hugged Drew.

"Oh thank you, thank you!"

"Get off! You remind me off Toffee."

"Because I'm so sweet?"

"No because you're acting like my ten month old poodle Toffee. I miss him so. I keep seeing him everywhere."

"Ok bye."


	10. Chapter 10

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 10 MONDAY**

The forest of Eerie Swings was beautifully clad in snow. A group of six or so squibs sat around a fire singing merry squib empowering songs, like _Give Squibs A Chance, For He's a Squibby Old Fellow, All You Need Is Squibs_ and the like.

"It's so nice to be out with my fellow squibs!" said squib 1.

"Despite what the media says I am proud of being a squib!" said squib 2.

Little did they know they were being watched by Dark Wizards.

The two brothers Ri and Juice were virtually identical; they both had long black hair with slick black robes to match and they held in their glove clad hands long black wands. For they were, as mentioned, Dark Wizards and they did not care who knew it. However Ri, the family man, and Juice, the bachelor, didn't see the point in sitting around a fire singing about it. But then, squibs were capable of little else.

Ri glanced at his brother and sighed.

"I just noticed you're wearing the same as me. _Again."_

(Wand profile: Rosewood, shelob web, 42 cm.)

"We're Dark Wizards, Ri!" said Juice. "Robe options are a little limited."

(Wand profile: Silver fir, scorpion egg, 41,9 cm.)

"You do realise that Chenilles has more than _one_ set of black robes in their collection, don't you?""

Juice smoothed out his waist. "The other robes just weren't black enough."

But enough about their slick robes. They resumed their Squib-Watch.

"Just look at them," said Ri, turning up his nose. "How _dare_ they?"

"I know! Staining our pure Woodland with their _dirty_ existence!"

Ri raised his wand. "If they want to be with their fellow Squibs, I know where there are plenty of them."

He and Juice laughed. Juice raised his wand as well.

"In the grave!"

" _Don't_ explain it."

They killed the lot, put up the Black Mark (a spider on a web) as a reminder that the Tojours Fromage were to be feared. Then they resumed their walk, and stopped to have their coffee and madeleines in a part of the forest that hadn't recently been interfered by dirty squibs.

When their hunchbacked servant had put up their hunting tent they stepped inside and sat down in the chairs in front of the crackling fire. They had told the servant to only put up three walls, so it would still feel like they were actually outdoors.

The servant brought them coffee and madeleines and then he made himself blend in with the wall.

"This is nice," said Ri.

"Is it nice being away from Court on a Monday?"

"The court, the wife. Is it nice getting away from the romance novelling?"

"I'm having a terrible case of writer's block at the moment."

"So anyway. When will you stop calling off engagements and get married already?"

"When I feel like it."  
Ri leaned closer and narrowed his eyes. "You're not gay, are you?"

"No, I am not gay."

"You're not just saying you're not gay just so I won't have to try and curse it out of your system?"

"My dear brother, are you really so close minded to believe that if a wizard hasn't married by a certain age he is either gay or mentally ill? You hate your own wife yet the notion of refusing to be married baffles you."

"It does baffle me. It is up to us to keep the pure bloodline going, gay or not."

"I know that. I just think it's enough if you do it."  
"Come now. What's really the matter? Problem in the bedroom?"

"Certainly not."

"Oh right, you just don't want to be tied down."

"Last time I was tied down that _really_ caused some problems in the bedroom, I thank you! I just can't be bothered with all that parent stuff."

"Here's a tip: get a nanny!"

"I just don't think any heirs of my own could be half as delightful as my darling nephews!"

"Have you been drinking?"

"Yes."

"Pour me some of that."

Ri held forth his empty cup of coffee and Juice filled it with some Ciroc. Ri swept the lot.

"Sometimes I just want to go back in time and smother them in the crib."  
"Why?"

"Just something the missus said..."  
"Ohhh..," Juice leaned closer. "Do you suspect the Milk Wizard?"

"I tried to. I asked the maid to make some, ahem, changes to the geneaological tapestry but it remained intact while she lost both hands. Apparently it 'doesn't lie'. Mind you I am a bit suspicious of the fact that there aren't any milk wizards and secretaries on there."  
"How's that for an awkward Christmas."

"I don't believe there is anything that 'doesn't lie'. Everything can be made to lie. Common people are too quick to believe that magic is somehow incorruptable." Ri rolled his eyes. "Fools."

"So what did the missus say, then?"

"Oh. One time she caught Sirius tidying up in the library."

"Tidying up? Who taught him to tidy up?"

"He was having a friend over and so he was removing certain books that were 'too dark' so his friend wouldn't take offense."

"Weird."

"Hm..."

"I'm sure it's nothing. Remember when I had that friend over?"

"I didn't see any new handmade cross in the pet cemetery the day after. When he's away at Hogwarts hanging with easily offended people I have no control whatsoever. I'm thinking of sending him to Baguette Magique."

"Well, I hear good things about Baguette Magique and its dark fostering program."

"The queue, 'though."

"Oh my, how the Slytherin house has fallen. It used to be purebloods only, but I hear they accept anybody who has a knack for stirring together a batter mix."

"That's another thing I've never mentioned. It's so embarassing, but...He's not in the Slytherin house."

Juice spat out his Ciroc.

"WHAT?! But then you simply must arrange for him to change house stat!"

Ri wiped the Ciroc mixed with spit from his face.

"They won't allow it because of some hat bla bla bla. What a joke. At Baguette Magique they just sewed together the mouth."

"There must be circumstances under which they would allow it."

"Maybe if he was being bullied, but he's not being bullied because only weaklings are bullied."

"Now listen to me. Forget for a moment everything you've read in dark fostering books about how distant fathers create dark mindstates. I have had many cats and I can tell you that the way to get a cat to do what you want is by rewarding desired behaviour."

Ri nodded. "I hear what you're saying. If there's something wrong with the bitch-"

"No. So, what does every boy desire? His father's approval of course. I know it sounds a bit hippie-new age- kumbaya but hear me out because my editor Godiva Crool said this to me. If he gets just enough approval from you, he won't need to seek it in un-dark places."

"What you're saying does make sense."

They finished their Ciroc and madeleines and now they were ready to continue.

"Now let's go to our hunter's lodge in the woods!" said Juice. "But we must be on our watch, because there's a fullmoon out."

"Here's the servant, Louis Vuitton, with our special bayonets and silver bullets."

They laughed evilly.

"Why are we laughing evilly?" Juice asked. "Werewolves spread terror, they keep the squib population down and non-purists hate them."

"Well they're invasive and I still don't want them in Eerie Swings."


	11. Chapter 11

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 11 TUESDAY**

The chaps were absolutely knackered the following day. Knackered, and in a weird way, feeling very refreshed. There was just nothing that compared to running around naked at night, confusing the locals.

It was not entirely unlike running around in animal form actually.

"I still don't know which one I prefer," said Sirius.

He and James were playing a quiet game of Pong in the afternoon.

"I won!" said James.

Sirius left the Pong machine and fetched some of his records.

"Anyway, when are we going to discuss costumes?"

"I figured we'd just get some sequin and some glue," said James.

Sirius opened an album by the band Sweet.

"Look at what they are wearing. So classy and elegant, with the fake snakeskin spandex and silver tights."

"I know. Forty years from now people will look at what they wear and say: _That_ is the epitome of good taste!"

"Mhm! I want to go blonde."

"Where do we get clothes like that?"

Sirius shrugged. "Either we sew them ourselves from fabric, or we take any costumes we find and just drench that in glue and sequin."

"Sounds awesome let's play Pong!"

"Actually I'm kind of bored with Pong now."

"What? Bored with Pong? Stop the taffling and play me, man!"

"No! I've shirked school today to beat you but you are unbeatable!"  
"Sore loser? Ner ner ner ner ner!" James stuck his tongue out.

"I'm a bored loser. I'm going back to table football."

Sirius was half-way through the door.

"But who will I play now?" James asked.

"Play the machine!" Slam.

James felt so frustrated. Despite always losing to him Sirius was still a worthy opponent and more importantly he was a fun opponent. Now James wished he had let him win a couple of times. He sometimes felt he needed to try harder to not be such an awesome winner at everything, but that was simply the cross he had to bare. He opened the curtains around Peter's bed.

"Oh. Sorry." He closed them again.

Peter put his pyjamas quickly bad on and came out.

"I wasn't sucking in my stomach!"

"Of course you weren't let's play Pong!"

Yes, James was that desperate. If he was anymore desperate he'd put a kazoo in Remus's face and tell him it was homework.

In fact, he could see a kazoo just over there...

No. No. He was better at Pong than Peter, but so was an earwig.

In fact, James could see an earwig just over there...

"Come here, little earwig!"  
"What you need an earwig for?" Peter asked.

Christ he had been standing so close James got a little shock.

"No reason. Fancy a game of Pong?"

Peter jumped from joy and they commenced a game. Peter lost immediately and they tried again. He lost. He lost again. And again.

"Yesss!"

"No, the objective is to _hit_ the ball."  
"Oh!"

He lost again. Again. Again. Again.

"Ok I want to play the computer now. Step away from the machine."

Peter backed away, uncertain.

The machine itself was the toughest opponent yet. But James was determined to beat it!


	12. Chapter 12

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 12 WEDNESDAY**

The Yule Ball was drawing near. It was eight o' clock and The Mistletoez had just finished rehearsing. They all congratulated one another on their good work. Then Fletcher and Marceau left.

Sirius was twirling a green rubber mask between his fingers.

"This is from the Yule Show I'm in, _How The Grinch Stole Christmas._ I'm the Grinch, by the way. Drew gave it to me. He thinks my ideas are great."

"I think a village of The Who is definietly an improvement of the original," said James.

"Yeah that was a good idea for the show. But I'm a serious actor. I want to get under the skin of the character, do you follow?"

"Well yeah I suppose it's why Drew Dee gave you that."

"Like, who is he? Where is he from? What makes him tick? What made him so miserable?"

James didn't much like where this was going. "Oh good..."

"I'm talking about his backstory!"

"Yup. It's what I feared."

"So I said to Drew, why not, instead of doing _How The Grinch Stole Christmas,_ we do: _Young Grinch!"_

"Awesome..." James could have been playing Pong instead of listening to this drivel.

Sirius was completely enthused by his own ideas.

"Why does he hate Christmas so much? Why, because his parents would beat him at Christmas! So now he was cursed with the green skin on Christmas and his pregnant fiancé died at Christmas! Like, is that mindblowing stuff or what?"

"I definitely want to blow my mind out."

"And then he meets this girl and they fall in love and they get married on Christmas Day and she goes into labour so it's all a bit Nativity."

"What girl is this?"

"Just a village girl."

"But... the village is just the band The Who."

"And their make-up artist, 'course!"

"Right. Silly me."

"So it's all a bit _A Christmas Carol_ with the flashbacks and stuff. Very Charles Dickens."

"Yeah Charles Dickens was the king of cheese."

"I'm like an idea machine! Drew just want them to stop coming!"

"So stop them coming then."

"I can't! Fish gotta stink!"  
"Not just the fish..."

"I hear you. We really gotta give Fletcher a bath before the gig."

"At least you're not doing Young Scrooge."

Sirius just stared at him. "THAT is BRILLIANT!"

Then he pulled the gross mask over the head.

"That's another thing. I don't much care for this mask. It makes the Grinch too unattractive."

"The Grinch is supposed to be unattractive."

"I just think he needs to be sexed up a bit."

"You want to sex up the Grinch?"

"Yeah! I mean get with the times, Prongs! Nobody wants to watch an ugly green wrinkly thing nowadays! I should just have my skin painted green but retain my beautiful features. Then people will see that I am an outcast, but I'm still beautiful so they will still sympathise with me and that. Jesus this mask stinks worse than Fletcher!"

"Well I just resent everything that can be filed under YOUNG X quite honestly! No exceptions! Well maybe if they did something about a Young Frankenstein and Mel Brooks did it..."

"Then you make me sad, my friend."

Then it seemed like Sirius came down with a case of teen hormoons.

"God I hate Christmas," he moaned.

"How can you hate Christmas, the unofficial disco holiday?"

"It's so superficial and commercial!"

"Unlike you..." James rolled his spectacles. Yes he could really do that.

"Like do we really need tinsel and holly _everywhere?!"  
_ And then he went and pulled down some of the decorations that Mr Filth had put up before.

"And all these flipping mistle-traps! People can catch cooties that way!"  
He shot some of those down as well, which was probably a good idea since it was only them chaps in the music practice chamber at the moment and James didn't much fancy being trapped with any of them.

"How do you breathe under that?"

Sirius pulled off the mask. "It's a bit clammy."

Then he saw what he had just done.

"Wow!" he said, so impressed with his own acting. "It's like I literally became the Grinch just now!"

"I think we think so, too."

"I knew I was good, but not _that_ good!"


	13. Chapter 13

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 3 MONDAY**

James and Sirius spent all day writing songs for their edgy band and they ran straight to the Music Practice Chamber to rehearse them as soon as they were free.

Sirius gave out copies of the lyrics to one of his songs to everybody.

"We're doing mine first! It's called 'The System Is Crap'."

"What are these lines with the dots?" James asked.

"That's called sheet music."

James rolled his eyes. "'That's called sheet music!' 'I've had piano lessons!' 'I want my bowl of soup on a plate!' "

"Moo wanted sheet music, alright? So there!"

" ' I must have sheet music!' 'I've had piano lessons!' 'I want my cup of tea on a matching saucer!' "

"There you are Moo! Does that help?"

Remus leaned over the electric organ and had a look at the sheet music.

"Sure."

"Do you need time to practice?"

"Practice hitting the same three chords over and over? I think I'll manage."

"Aha, so you've very cleverly noticed my song is only comprised of three chords!"  
"Was it supposed to be a secret?"

"It's like a statement, a growing movement, it has to do with rebellion and using only three chords in songs."

"What's the statement?"

"I dunno let's just do the song already!"

Sirius began to hit away on the guitar strings at a very fast and loud pace. James screamed into the microphone.

" _THE SYSTEM IS CRAP! THE SYSTEM IS CRAP! THE SYSTEM IS CRAP! THE SYSTEM IS CRAP!"_

By the end of it he threw the microphone on the floor and kicked a sheet music stand and Sirius hit the guitar against the wall until it broke. But it was alright because the instruments were self-repairing. At least they thought it was, because they didn't see Remus magi-mending the stuff.

James drank some water.

"We sound great. I want to grow my hair really long!"  
"We do," Sirius agreed. "I've written ten songs today, you've written ten songs today. We're practically ready for a concert!"  
"We should perform at the Yule Ball!"  
"Yes we should!"

But they needed to ask McGonagall about it first.


	14. Chapter 14

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 14 FRIDAY**

Sirius had certainly joked about asking for a resorting in the past, but never had James thought that it would actually be allowed. But apparently it was, as he came to learn. Now he was just so unbelievably annoyed that Sirius had been behaving like such a drama queen over a simple joke.

"I don't need him!" he said to Remus after lunch. "If he can't take a joke then that is just his problem! Pffft! New friends..! Who is he going to be friends with now? Snape? Minging git one or minging git two? Ha ha ha ha haaa!"

His question was immediately answered.

"Would those be any of them over there?" Remus asked.

He was pointing towards a set stairs, were a group of six or so hideous witches sat, all with horribly luscious hair with gross locks falling over their stupid perfectly smooth and symmetrical faces with their cheek bones and porcelain doll lips and long dark eyelashes. So ugly! And Sirius was among them, his head in Ebola Crool's lap and his legs over Persephone Kilmore's, looking in some magasine and most likely talking boring girl things. Or rather, boring evil girl things.

"Pfft!" James snorted. "Hanging with a bunch of... girls!"

Kilmore spoke.

"That one is nice!" she said, most likely pointing at a picture of lipstick in the magasine or something.

"Come on Pers that's got nothing on the Jaguar," Crool replied.

"You're just dazzled by the overhead lifters and the four barrels quads, Deb."

"Oh yeah."

Ok so they were girls talking about something stereotypically bloky like _cars_ in order to prove something. Whatevs!

"I have a lipstick in the same colour as that lamborgini," said Isis Webb, who was honoured with braiding pearls into some of Sirius's hair.

 _So_ girly!

And, James had to say, really un-feminist!

"I know because I once re-sprayed one myself!" said Webb.

Sirius let some other girl have the magasine.

"Deb when are you going to paint my nails already?"

"I can do it now," Deb replied. "I can do you a Jaguar green or a frosted Lamborghini grey."  
"Hm. Grey, please."

Meanwhile, James wanted to say something now.

"Oi!" he said.

"Hm?" Sirius replied.

It was just that, James didn't know what he wanted to say. The girls watched him, and they did not look friendly, which strongly suggested that Sirius had been blabbing grave untruths.

"I can see you're happy with your decision..."

Sirius broke free from the group, telling them he had to talk to 'The Band', which did sound cool.

"Enjoying your new life?" James asked when they had found a spot away from those girls.

"I'm not _not_ enjoying it," Sirius replied. "I mean you saw that."

"Well live and let live. I guess trolls need some love, too."

"I don't know what came over me yesterday. I thought I had a spot and I just got _so_ angry. Now I just don't get it. And I just have this contsant urge to put the Grinch mask on but that's beside the point."

"Must be the hormoons."

"Must be."

"So does this mean you will come back?"

"I'd really like to. But I can't just change house all willy nilly."  
"So say you're being bullied by _giiirls_ then!"

"I can't."

"Why not? I mean it worked before-"

"Because I can't, alright?!"

Pause.

"Surely, being bullied can't be the only circumstance that would permit resorting," Remus thought.

"What other circumstance could?"

"Maybe if...No."

"What?"

"Forget it."

"Forget what? Out with it!"

"I shouldn't even say it, but in some schools, the _bully_ is resorted."

"Oh yeah! You should totally bully somebody really hard!" James told Sirius, excited.

"No he shouldn't!"

"Only enough to be resorted."

"No I shouldn't," Sirius actually agreed.

"Why not?"

"Because it would take forever! People who are bullied are embarassed by it and reluctant to report it."

"I guess that is a fair point."

Then Remus remembered something he had wanted to look up before but then forgotten about. He had to go all the way to the library to do it, because..that was just how the world worked.

"Imagine if it didn't..," James thought.

"Besides," said Sirius, still on the old topic. "I thought of another circumstance that I am fairly certain could get me resorted."

"What's that?"

"I'll tell you. But I think it's best you don't tell Moo about it, ok?"

"Tell me!"

So Sirius whispered his idea in James's ear. James just stared at him.

"What? You don't like it?"

"No. I don't like it."

"Oh."

"I love it!"

"Awesome!"

Then Sirius pulled that horrible mask out of his pockets.

"Anyway I have to go and rehearse the show but then we can rehearse with the band ok! Feel free to start without me!"  
"I think we'll do that."

Sirius pulled the mask over his head.

"I hate Christmas!"  
"But you love the tinsel and glitter and the disco subtext!"  
"I hate Christmas bands! I hate Christmas pudding! And I especially hate you!"  
"Me?"

Then he stormed off. Yeah, he was clearly suffering a serious case of those teen hormoons.


	15. Chapter 15

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 15 SATURDAY**

The night! It was here! And Sirius seemed to have regained control of his moon-swings just in time.

"I am so glad you've regained control over your moon-swings," said James.

"Me too!" Sirius replied. "Must have been all that gluten!"

Everything had been put together on the stage in the Great Hall where The Mistletoez were to perform.

"You said you had stage outfits," said Fletcher.

"Did we?" James asked.

"Damn I forgot all about that, what with my moon-swings," said Sirius.

"I've been very busy with other things!" Mainly Pong.

James looked at the large Christmas tree in the far corner, and saw the Pong dot in the white baubles. Boop. Boop. Boop.

"I have a solution, if you'll permit me," said Remus.

"We're not wearing bubblegum!" James told him.

"Hold on," said Sirius. "Bubblegum, and lots of sequin on top! I like it! I was wrong to think bubblegum was stupid and useless. You have finally found a solution that is really good!"

"That's nice, but it wasn't my solution," said Remus.

"You're too modest. Sure it was really _my_ solution, but it coldn't be done with jelly. Or could it...?"

" _This_ is my solution."

He whipped out one of his Catchys and hatched an entire walnut armoire. White smoke seeped out at the bottom of the doors. It looked like Fletcher was in there smoking.

"I was going to ask why you couldn't just bring the clothes, but I suppose it wouldn't have been less of an effort with that ball," said James.

"What's a wardrobe doing on stage?" Fletcher asked.

"Ever heard of the Glam Rock?" Remus asked.

"Of course I have heard of the glam rock. Sweet, Slade. The guy who looks like the Fourth Doctor."

"That's Slade," said Sirius.

"You can't make that remark for another year," James told Fletcher. "Ish."

"There's going to be a fourth one now? I would never have guessed it would last so long."

"Can't I? Blasted!" said Fletcher. "Beep beep I am from the future beep beep!"

But they were getting sidetracked. Marceau put up his hand, because he wanted to mime something. First he pointed at the wardrobe. Then he put his arms in an x-formation.

"X," the boys guessed correctly.

Marceau spread out his arms and pretended to be an aeroplane.

"X fart!"

"X flying!"

"X aeroplane!"

"Yes! X aeroplane! Why have you got the fourth doctor in a wardrobe?"

"Is it to prevent the future series?"

"Good thinking, but no," said Remus. "Go in there, and the Glam Rock will give you a glammy make-over."

"Awesome! I'll go first then, shall I?" said James and went inside.

XXX

Darkness. James felt his way past several women's frocks and their matching goose hats. Odd. Live and let live, he always said. He just hoped nobody took him literally.

Soon the row of frocks ended and he found himself in a winter landscape of striking beauty. Oh no, he thought and prayed he hadn't landed in Narnia.

"The Glam Rock," he said to himself. "So I'm looking for a rock, and it's probably glammy looking. Shouldn't be too hard to miss."

Using these powers of deductive reasoning, he looked at the ground at the various rocks, but none of them struck him as the one he was seeking.

"I'm just not seeing it anywhere!" he said, after he had been in the armoire searching for quite some time, probably close to a whole minute already. "Typical! There isn't a Glam Rock, is there! Just like there aren't yetis in space or ghouls that like to wear women's stockings! I have been taken for a fool! _Again!_ Well he's going to get it this time! If only I can find my way back first."

And while he said all this to himself, something crawled behind him on an enormous pink web he had not noticed.

"Now which way did I come?" he asked himself, flinging his hand in one direction and then another. "Was it that way? Or was it that way? Or was it in fact that way?"

He flung his hand so it touched something behind him, something furry. A fur coat perhaps. When he turned to have a look he saw a huge ball of pink fur on a large pink web.

"Hairy bubblegum. Weird. This isn't some collection of all the bubblegum he's been through, is it?"

The hairy bubblegum sprouted eight legs and a horrible spider's face. James screamed and ran behind a tree.

He wasn't afraid of spiders as a rule. But this was a gigantic spider, it had all this visible fur and it was pink! There just wasn't a person in the world who wouldn't freak- well clearly people who liked pink liked it in any shape or form (except for perfect circles, possibly) but anybody normal would freak, that was certain.

He peered back. Maybe the spider wasn't really there, maybe it was just his imagination.

But no, it was still there on that web, looking back at him! And James had this nagging fear that this thing stood between him and the Glam Rock. He would just have to whip out his wand and deal with it.

He approached it again. Once the initial shock had subsided he could do this. His heart was pounding fast and he thought that if he didn't take his eyes off it, it wouldn't do anything sudden. Wrong! It whipped out a pink glittery guitar and began to jam!

" _Are you ready, Steve?"_

"Uhm, it's James."  
" _Andy?"_

"James.

" _Nick?"_

 _"_ IT'S JAMES!"

" _Alright fellas! LET'S GOOOOOOO! Oh it's been getting so hard, living with the things you do to me..."_

Enough of this, James thought and raised his wand.

" _Waterspout!"_

A huge gush of water washed over the spider from above. James couldn't see it for the waterfall and after a while he began to think he had managed to get rid of it.

But when the flood stopped, the spider was still on the pink web, soaking wet and dripping. The mouth pinchers, if spiders now had them and it was called that, moved menacingly. James was going to run and never breathe a word about it to anybody. But the spider was faster. He could feel it jump on his back, wrestle him to the floor and wrap him in a cocoon. He couldn't scream.

XXX

Meanwhile outside the wardrobe.

"He's sure taking his time," Sirius thought.

"I probably should have mentioned," said Remus. "That the Glam Rock...is... in...fact...one...giant..."

"What's the matter? Fur got your tongue?"

"It's a huge pink hairy spider."

"Why was that so hard to get out?"

"No idea."

"Where you put your teeth is nobody's business except your own."

"It might have come as a shock, that could be why it's taking so long."

Then finally somebody stumbled out in a silver jacket, pink trousers and huge fizzy hair.

"Bang a gong get it on!" Sirius exclaimed. "It's Marc Bolan!"

But alas, it was not Marc Bolan. It was just James, looking uncannily like a Marc Bolan.

He got up.

"Well this wasn't so bad. No spandex!"

"I like your trousers!" said Remus.

"But will you respect them in the morning?"

"Oh I want to go next!" said Sirius and rushed inside the wardrobe.

He tumbled out wearing a glittery grey top that revealed quite a lot of chest, dark grey shorts and silver platform shoes. There was definitely more volume to his hair as well.

Marceau came out wearing a gold jacket over a yellow top with black stripes, and with that a pair of white flares. State of hair: blow dried.

Peter got some yellow spandex and a red clown wig. Remus came out about three inches taller in some pink tin foil creation. State of hair: fluff.

Only Fletcher remained now.

"Guess it's my turn!" said Fletcher, just as excited about all this as the other chaps, and rushed inside. He was spat out immediately, having not changed at all.

"What happened?" Remus asked.

"It wouldn't take me."

"Did it give a reason?"

"Uhmm...No..."

"A reason? Look at him!" said Sirius, referring to the dirty and smelly state that always was Fletcher. "I mean, would _you_ eat him?"

Remus frowed at him, annoyed with the indiscretion. Sirius only just got that.

"Eat _off_ him, I mean."

Helpful.

"You're getting a bath, Fletch!" said James. "We are going to clean you until you're so clean I can eat you I mean eat off you!"

"No! Not a bath! Anything but a bath!" Fletcher cried.

Then he made a run for it.

The other chaps ran after him in their sparkling platform shoes, but they soon lost him due to Fletcher not wearing platform shoes. Marceau stopped and mimed playing darts.

"Darts. Playing darts. Arrows. You want to play darts now?"

Marceau mimed pointing at the tip of an arrow.

"Fletch. Fletches? Oh, fletch. What about it? Oh, _Fletch!"_

In the next bit of mime it looked like Marceau was weeping against a wall.

"You alright, mate?" James asked.

"Great time to have an emotional breakdown," Sirius thought.

"Fletcher is the champion at hide and go seek," said Remus, and Marceau gave him thumbs up for the correct guess.

"Is he now?" James asked. "Well blasted. Guess that means he could be anywhere!"

Marceau mimed again. He pointed at himself.

"You."

He mimed a victory gesture.

"Winner. Champion."

Marceau mimed the words to _Geaorgy Girl._

 _"_ The Seekers. Are you the champion seeker, perhaps?" James asked.

Marceau nodded, proud.

"Ok," said Sirius. "I fail to see why you Quidditch people can't talk about anything else."

Marceau ran his hands over his glammy outfit.

"Wear."

Marceau mimed looking around.

"Wear look. Where look? Are you saying that Fletch, being so unkempt, has a bit of a were-look?"

"Where was he on the tenth do you know?" James asked.

Marceau shook his head and did the same mime, but with more intensity.

"Where's the last place we'd look? That's easy! In the bath!"

Marceau mimed boobs.

"Which bath? The cleanest one!"

"No! The dirtiest one!"

"McGonagall's bath!"

"Dumbledore's bath!"

Marceau did another series of charades and James and Sirius stopped fooling around.

" 'Which bath is the dirtiest?' "

Remus snorted. "Well that's got to be ours..."

"Ha ha you said 'arse'," said James.

Marceau shrugged in a way that very plainly said: Well then.

"Wait. are you serious? Is Fletcher in _our bath?"_

They needed to get Fletcher out of their bath stat!

The chaps ran as fast as their platform shoes would allow to their dorm. They were very reluctant to invite Marceau, but after he promised he would not speak a word of what he saw to any Hufflepuff, living or dead, he was allowed in.

The bath really wasn't as dirty as perhaps Remus felt. Sure, no house elf would touch it but water was running on a nearly daily basis so it stood to reason there was no real filth to complain about.

"Look at the state of it!" said James, proud. "It's in sparkling condition! Look at the shine on it!"

"That's not shine. That's butter from your 'breakfast in bath'," said Remus.

Marceau pointed at a patch of mold.

"Oh, it's fine, I just tried to make blue cheese from an old sandwich I found under the bed," said Sirius. "And I think you will find, _that_ is actually mycelium."

No sign of Fletcher, however. Looked like Marceau had been wrong.

"Some Champion Seeker you've been," Sirius told him.

Marceau mimed.

"Finger. Point. Sky. Lamp. Ceiling. Dead flies. Up. Look up. Look over there. Look where I'm pointing. Point frenetically. Gesture violently with both hands upwards. Seriously, why don't you _talk?!"_

Peter looked up. "He's up there!"

Indeed, Fletcher was actually clinging to the roof by a plunger. His forehead sparkled with beads of sweat, his face contorted from the strain.

"Get down here!" James yelled at him.

"Never!" Fletcher replied. But it looked like he wouldn't be able to hold on for much longer.

Marceau cracked his knuckles. Then he mimed fetching a ladder from the corner, instead of getting the actual ladder. Then he mimed climbing up the invisible ladder, thereby actually climbing it. Now within touching range from Fletcher, Marceau simply whacked him with his invisible suitcase until he fell. But it was ok, because the bath tub had been filled with soft bubblegum to both prevent injuries and keep him from escaping.

"It's catching two flies with one stone!" said Remus, proud.

"It's catching a swarm of them," said Sirius.

James was even less impressed. "Great going, getting Fletcher stuck in _our_ bath! If you didn't think it was dirty before...!"  
"I _did_ think it was dirty before," said Remus.

"This time we will really have to give it a good scrubbing. I hope you're proud of yourself."

They set the faucet to Il Nino and added all the detergent, soap, oven cleaner they could lay their hands on in the cupboards. Fletcher screamed and cried, splashing water allover the place. All the chaps helped tearing his robes off and scrubbing his body with steel wool. Fletcher protested a lot in the beginning but eventually he simply gave up and turned vacant.

There was light in the tunnel. Fletcher became clean and fragrant at last. The bath had taken all his dirty like a kind of Bath of Dorian Grey, or Jesus Bath-Christ. Marceau turned off the faucet, or mimed it, either way. Now it remained to simply unstuck him from the powerful gum, but they had a special tool for that.

"Look at how clean you are now!" said Sirius.

"Yet I have never felt dirtier..," said Fletcher quietly.

XXX

The clock struck eight o'clock. The Mistletoez were crowding inside the wardrobe, awaiting their cue:

" _Ladies and gentlemen, The Mistletoez!"  
_ Woosh the crowd went wildly lukewarm. To the amorous flare-wearing 14+ers it had to look like the The Mistletoez were appearing out of white smoke.

"YEEEAAAH!" James took the microphone. "Are you ready to rock and roll?"

Without further ado, the band began to cross off the songs on their program. They opened with _Lipstick On Your Collar,_ continued with _Who Put the Bomp?,_ then _Poetry In Motion._ Then they threw in a Christmas song for good measure, _Jingle Bell Rock._ After all these upbeat songs it was necessary to throw in a romantic ballad.

"This song," said James, "is for... all of you... all of you out there... who's ever loved... somebody...somebody called Brandy. Could be Mandy. Or Sandy. Andy. Even Candy."

" _I remember all my life_

 _Raining shadows cold as ice_

 _Caught in a world of uphill climbing_

 _A man in a window_

 _How happy you made me_

 _OH BRANDY!"_

James's recollection of the lyrics wasn't always the best, and he often sang Mandy instead of Brandy. But the audience wasn't paying too close attention to the words.

"And here's a song... for all of you...who's...ever loved...somebody called... Carol. Beryl. Farrel. Cyril even."  
" _Oh Meryl_

 _I am a buffoon_

 _Darling you hurt me_

 _And you made me cry"_

They followed up _Oh Carol_ with a few more upbeat songs and another Christmas song. Despite McGonagall strictly forbidding them to play any rock music, they still had plans to sneak in some actual glam. _The Ballroom Blitz_ was simply too appropriate to not do. After _I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,_ Marceau started it off with the drums. The crowd looked anxious that he was going to bore them with a drum solo.

" _Are you ready, Stink?"_

Peter was too nervous to either reply or move.

" _Gutz?"_

"Uhm sure.

" _Craze?"_

Sirius didn't hear him because he was distracted. The grinch mask sat on the guitar head and he didn't know how it had gotten there. He looked out at the dance floor. He saw two mysterious figures in the corner; one was a man with red eyes and the other a woman in a veil.

" _Craze?"_

Just who _were_ they?

"CRAZE!"

"Wha'?"

"Are you ready?"

"Oh right. _Okay!"_

" _Alright fellas! LET'S GOOOOOOOOO!"_

James was supposed to do the verses and Sirius the bridges, that was the plan. Yet when the time came for him to do the bridge, he didn't do it. His eyes were fixed on the back of the Great Hall and James couldn't see what he was looking at.

" _Padoot!"_ he whispered. "Just what is the matter with you?"

"It's the gingebread man!"

"What?"

Sirius dropped the guitar, summoned his fox familiar and told it to get the man with the red eyes. James only just caught a glimpse of the man in question before he shrunk to the size of his gingerbread self. The fox seemed to have gotten lost in the crowd as well so Sirius threw off the guitar and got off the stage to look for it. Remus abandoned the electric organ to join the gingerbread man spotting. The crowd began to wonder what they were doing. James was determined to keep their attention so he told Marceau and Fletcher to start playing _Popcorn._

Meanwhile, Sirius and Remus had reached the other end of the Great Hall.

"Where did you see it?" Remus asked.

"It's up there now!" said Sirius, pointing at the top of the Christmas tree, where the gingerbread man sat on top of the star, laughing. "But just where did my fox familiar go?"

Remus summoned his bunny familiar. It would just have to do. Somebody behind him put a hand on his back.

It was a mysterious witch wearing a white fur coat, her face hidden in a white veil and white fur hood.

"Boy I want to warn you," she told him.

"Of what?"

"See the ornament up there, of the little boy with the drums?"

"Yeah?"

"That is Christmas. Break it, and you'll break Christmas."  
"I'll be careful then."

"Jolly good then."

Remus told his bunny familiar to get the gingerbread man. But in addition to being a slow hopper, it was also entirely distracted by the decorative carrots. The gingerbread man blew a raspberry and disappeared. Remus told the bunny familiar to come back down. It knocked down several ornaments with it cotton tail turning around. Remus was so embarassed, because Sirius kept laughing.

Then it knocked down the little boy with the drums! Remus watched it fall and thought he had actually broken Christmas!

Thankfully it didn't break.

"Phew!"

Sirius picked it up and hung it on the branch nearest to him. Then he and Remus returned to the stage, where James was keeping the show going with some words he had made up to the tune of _Popcorn._

" _I like popcorn in a bowl_

 _I like popcorn in a bowl_

 _I like pop-pop- popcorn_

 _Pop-pop-pop- popcorn_

 _Pop-pop-pop-popcorn in a bowl."_

Clearly they couldn't have returned any sooner. Sirius picked up the guitar, Remus returned to the elcrtic organ. James seemed to have invented some sort of new dance and they needed to put an end to it before somebody got hurt.

" _Popcorn_

 _With a butter sauce_

 _Popcorn_

 _I just can't get enough"_

Sirius signed for Fletcher and Marceau to stop playing _Popcorn._

Then the band did a few more of the songs they had planned, some twists and some tongue twisters. James needed to have some water after _Flying Purple People Eater._

 _"_ That was _One Eye One Toed Plying Spurple Meeple Speeter._ Now the time has come for me to hand over the microphone to Craze. Take it away, Craze."  
When James looked at Sirius he could see that he was wearing that idiotic mask and it took him completely by surprise. He was clearly not taking this gig seriously at all!

"Thanks very much," said Sirius in that strange voice he always used with the mask, or when he was having moon swings. The song he wanted to do needed no introduction.

" _You're a mean one_

 _Mr Grinch_

 _You got termites in your smiiiiiile_

 _You're as manky as a meatloaf_

 _Trumping turnips in a pile_

 _Mr Griii-INCH!"_

Sirius whipped out a Christmas ornament, and everybody gasped.

"Given the choice between a pneumonic alligator and a grin full of aspic, I'll take the...

 _ARSENIC SAAAAAAAAAAUCE!"_

He whacked the ornament on the floor. The shards scattered across the entire hall. There was nobody that didn't understand that Sirius had just broken Christmas. They glowered like an entire hord of gingerbread men.

"They broke Christmas!" yelled one.

"Everyone attack!" yelled another.

And that was the story of how it all turned into a Ballroom Blitz.


	16. Chapter 16

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 16 SUNDAY**

Sirius had fallen asleep in the old dorm last night, something he did a lot despite the change of house.

Now last night had really taken the biscuit and James and Remus thought it was time for an intervention.

"It's time for an intervention," said James.

Sirius took out the tooth brush.

"Like I keep saying, mushrooms aren't habit forming! I'll have you now my depression went away."

"Not that! You broke Christmas last night. It's kind of a big issue right now."

"It's not my big issue right now."

"It's my big issue right now! Just to get an official response, do you even remember what you did?"

Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes. "I broke some thingy!"  
"You broke Christmas!"

"I know...Woopsie daisy! Sorry! I don't know what came over me. I just get these moments where I just really want to destroy Christmas!"

"We know! Your moon swings!"

"It's obviously that mask," said Remus. "You should get rid of it."

"I can't I need it for the show, don't I? The show is on Friday. I'll get rid of it after the show."

"That mask could very well ruin the show."

"It's like it's stalking me. If only there was some place I could put it in the meantime, so it wouldn't just randomly appear and affect me."

Where indeed. There really seemed to be no such place.

"Maybe if somebody else was to wear it in the meantime..."

"Well I'm not doing it!" said James.

"Think! Must be somebody who's already grumpy and miserable and hates Christmas to the point where the mask wouldn't really affect them!"

"But how do we get Snape to wear the thing?"

"Well you know the facial mask potion he's cooking? Let's put it there!"

"Great let's do it!"

"Okay!"

And so they left to do just that, merrily arm-in-arm.


	17. Chapter 17

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 17 MONDAY**

Christmas was broken and uncertainty marked the atmosphere. What was going to become of the Christmas holiday and the Christmas dinner? Hogwarts felt tragedy struck until somebody pointed out that _Happy Xmas (War Is Over)_ no longer existed and that made everything better.

Sirius arrived at the drama practice chamber at six o'clock, thinking the show rehearsal was still on. But it was quiet and empty. The entire set had been dismounted and he wondered if he had gotten the day or hour wrong. There was just Drew Dee, in the front row, his legs thrown over the seat next to him. He was lighting a fag.

"Where is everybody?" Sirius asked him.

"Rehearsal is off, innit?"

"Why?"

"Because Christmas was destroyed. It had ceased to be."

"It has rung down the choir invisible."

"Yes, nerd. So therefor the show is off."  
"But why? We can still do the show even if there is no Christmas, can't we?"

"Maybe you're a little thick. There is no Christmas. Christmas featured very heavily in the show we were supposed to do. The Grinch was born on Christmas. His girlfriend cheated on him on Christmas. He had his appendix removed on Christmas. But there is no Christmas now. No Christmas, no Grinch. No Grinch, no show."

Oh dear.

"So just make a few changes to the script then," said Sirius. "What if, instead of Christmas, the Grinch hates Fridays. He fell off his bicycle on a Friday. His house burned down on a Friday. His lemming got runover by Friday. So therfore he wants to steal Friday!"

"That... is brilliant! Here, take this bell! Tell everybody the show is on!"


	18. Chapter 18

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 18 TUESDAY**

Like everybody else, Remus had many questions on his mind. But they didn't concern Christmas as much as they concerned that elusive gingerbread man that kept slipping out of his fingers.

When the research seemed to get him no futher, he decided to go and get his snow globe and look at it outside where the sun was high.

He stood on the brim to the frozen lake and unwrapped the snow globe. This was the first time he had a proper look at it.

An entire little town made from gingerbread was concealed inside the globe. It was definitely an impressive piece of craftmanship. There were even little people wandering about in the streets, it was all very adorable. Remus had to whip out his magnefying glass to catch the smaller details. There was that baker with the tray like always.

He moved the magnefying glass to another corner of the street and saw a gingerbread man with eyes of red icing and two buttons looking right back at him.

This shocked him so much he slipped on the ice and dropped the entire snow globe and disappeared.


	19. Chapter 19

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 19 WEDNESDAY**

Sirius hadn't suffered any random bouts of moon swings since he and James had put that mask in Snape's beauty potion. And now he really wanted to return to his old House for good.

"Coming crawling back, are we?" James asked at dinner.

"I'll have you know I've made lots of friends. It's just that..."

"They're all _giiiiiiiiiiiirls!"_

"I hate it in my new dorm, with Snape's pants everywhere..."

"So don't put them everywhere."

"We have to."

"Wait, who's 'we' ?"

"Raz and Mort and me."

"I thought you only made girl friends."

"Raz and Mort are not my 'friends'! I've just been pretending. Don't be jealous."

"I'm not jealous..."

A camera hung around Sirius's neck. He put it on the table.

"I think we should take the pictures tonight."

"How do I know you're not pretending with me?"

"Seriously, do I need to get you flowers?"

"It would be nice and showed you care."

Sirius rammed the camera against the table impatiently. "The evidence!"

"Of your loyal friendship."

"Mort used to be my best friend but that's all in the past! He meant nothing to me!"

"Now you bring up all the exes!"  
James stormed off. Sirius sighed, rolled his eyes and turned to where Remus usually sat.

"Can _you_ believe..."

Then he saw that Remus wasn't there. Coming to think of it, he had probably not seen him since yesterday. It was getting a little weird.

XXX

James and Sirius went straight to the potions lab after dinner. There they discussed the plan just to make sure they had everything worked up before Snape arrived.

"I have here his copy of _Hell's Cauldron Nightmares- A Master Class,"_ said Sirius. "His potions making bible. It is full of scribbles from past owners. I'll just make a note on the page with the beauty potion recipe, imitating master and past owner Lady Penny Cillin, saying that _' gutting a live rabbit prevents burning' ._

He sandpapered the note to make the writing look more aged. Any moment now Snape was going to wonder if he had simply left the book here.

"I've had other best friends before you, you know," said James.

"What?"

"You're not the first, in case you thought that."  
"I didn't."

"Good because you're not."  
"Do you want to help me with this or not?"

"I do want to help you."

"Okay. I think I'm done with the book now."

"Or do I...?"

"Well do you?"

"Ok I do."

They could see Snape on the map going to the lab and very soon they could hear him enter. James and Sirius hid inside one of the cupboards.

"So that's where I put it," said Snape when he saw his book right next to his bubbling beauty potion. He opened the page with the recipe for the beauty potion and looked at the margins.

"Guess I better get me a live rabbit, then."

He left for a couple of minutes and returned with a cage from the rabbit farm outside the kitchen. He took out the rabbit and picked up a dagger.

"If you don't think I have the heart, you are correct!"

He raised the dagger. The rabbit attacked his wrist, creating bleeding slashes that had Snape wincing in pain, and escaped.

"Damn! Now I got blood all over me!"  
But he was not about to go and get cleaned up now. Instead he went to the cupboard to get some other ingredients.

"Unholy water, two grams...," He opened one cupboard.

A bucket of glue fell over him. He removed it from his head but now he was covered in fast drying glue.

"Damn it! Guess I better get cleaned up after all! But first I have to get the core of a blessed apple..."  
He opened a different cupboard, and a bucket of Hagrid's split ends fell over him, covering him in giant hair!

"Aarrrrgh! I'll get those Gryffindorks for this!"

Turning around to leave the lab, he stepped on a needle. It pierced right through the sole of his shoe and it hurt so much!

"AAAOOO!" he cried, hopping on one leg.

James and Sirius sprung from the cupboard, tok several photographs and ran off with them. With some editing the evidence was going to be undisputable. 


	20. Chapter 20

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 20 THURSDAY**

To the random passer-by, it looked like James was just reading the news paper. But it was actually concealing the map. And he was glued to it.

"Is this stalker-ish?" he asked.

"It's been two days," said Sirius. "So yes."

"Well even so, we all want our alone time but I just think it's good manners to say something or write."

Then a gingerbread owl dropped a gingerbread board on his head with some random icing scribbles on. James bit into it, found it a bit too thick and threw away the rest.

"I mean, is it really so hard to pick up a quill?"

Meanwhile Sirius was just finishing editing those photographs he and James had taken the other day.

"What do you think?"

"So you did go with my idea of just painting a window and then a moon in the corner of it!"  
"Yeah! Now it only remains for me to write a letter:"

 _Dear_

"Actually, scratch that."

He started over:

 _Father_

 _I've been very unhappy since I was resorted, because I just found out that one of the boys in my new dormitory is a werewolf!_

 _I have photographic evidence, so can you please come and pressure the Headmaster to resort me?_

Sirius was well aware that a certain currently missing person wasn't going to see any humour in this, but it was going to work! There was no way his parents would approve of a resorting for anything less. So therefor he sent the letter.

XXX

Sirius was called to the Headmaster's office that evening. He arrived, quite proud of the photographs and his own scheming ability.

Professor Dumbledore seemed to smile everytime he saw him. Kind of like Roy, except with less teeth. Not because he was that old, but because he kept his mouth closed. Professor McGonagall was also present, of course, also smiling but upside down. Her smile, not all of Professor McGonagall. Because it was a frown, see? Good.

He thought he'd find Snape in here as well, but he didn't. Two chairs had been pulled up in front of the Headmaster's desk, and the other was occupied by none other than Denebola Crool.

"Hi Deb," said Sirius, taking the chair beside her.

Deb Crool turned away from him. She seemed upset, but why?

"So!" said Professor McGonagall, looking directly at Sirius now. "Miss Crool tells us you've been bullying her!"  
"What?"

Sirius did in all honesty not know where this accusation was coming from.

"It's true, Professor McGonagall!" Deb sobbed. "And I have photographic evidence right here!"  
She gave McGonagall an envelope, and McGonagall opened it. She looked at the photographs contained within.

"It's not true!" Sirius told her.

"Then how do you explain this?"

McGonagall gave him the first photo. That was definitely his face on the chap kicking some girl in the back while she had her head in a toilet bowl. He had no recollection of this at all.

"How do we even know that is Deb?"

"Aha!" said Deb. "So you do know that's me!"

"If that's you, who took the picture?"

Deb turned away again and began to sob in a napkin. "I'm so upset!"

McGonagall gave him another photo of the same scene, and then one of him girl's clothes.

"That's right!" said Deb. "He likes to wear girl's clothes!"

"I thought that was just between us."

"I can't be in the same house as some deviant! I have the right to demand he is resorted."

Sirius was shocked! Shocked and hurt from Deb's betrayal. Oh what a two-face! How could he have been such a fool!

Meanwhile parents were entirely absent this time.

"Yes the weather seems to be holding them up," said McGonagall. "But this is simply not acceptable. Since it would not be fair to resort Miss Crool, we'll simply have to resort you. Again."

She fetched the hat and put it on his head.

"Hmmm!" said the hat. "You hate chocolate and you like to wear skirts. Therefor you would fit right in R-"

Sirius knocked it off when McGonagall wasn't looking.

"Woops! Can we start again please?"

The second time he was going to think intense messages to the hat.

XXX

Outside Dumbledore's office, Sirius demanded an explanation!

"Hold on, Deb!"

Deb turned his way, looking nonchalant.

"I thought you were my friend! Why did you do this?"

Deb smirked. Then she began to transform. Her beautiful hair became greasy, her beautiful skin became greasy, her pretty little nose tripled in size and her pale nacre eyes looked like peppercorns.

"Snape!"

"That's right," said Snape. "You are so stupid and I am so clever! This is why I just beat you!"

Well he had actually helped Sirius. He hadn't needed to use his photographic evidence, his parents hadn't been involved and it had been really nice of him to let him know that Deb wasn't actually mad.

"Thanks."

"Tough!" Snape snarled. "I beat you! I hate you! I hate Potter and I especially hate Fridays!"  
He pulled the Grinch mask over his face and stormed off.


	21. Chapter 21

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 21 FRIDAY**

At last, it was not only Friday, it was also the last day of this semester.

The stage and scenery stuff were being put together, the props put in place. The actors were getting in their costumes and make up when Sirius entered the dressing room.

"There you are," said Drew. "Get in your costume and put your mask on."

"Oh right. My mask," He had completely forgotten to get it back. Oh well, he could just do it now real quick.

"You don't have the mask?" Drew asked, getting increasingly irritated and on edge.

"I'll just go and get it, it's fine."

"Whatever happened to that talk about method acting?"

"What happened was that the mask you gave me was weird, Drew! It made me break Christmas, in case you weren't at the Yule Ball."

"The mask made you break Christmas?"

"It's true! What were you even thinking giving it to me?"

"The person who is truly meant to play the Grinch isn't supposed to be affected by it."

"What? Says who?"

"Says my girlfriend Lorraine!"

"What does your girlfriend Lorraine know about this?"

"She takes prophet studies, alright?"

"Couldn't you just have gotten a different mask?"

"No. I want the right person for the role. Now I think you're just telling pork pies and trying to project your issues on a mask. But never mind that. Just hurry up and get it or the show is on in ten minutes."

"Wouldn't it be better if I just painted my face green and sang a big song about a famous brand of sporty broomsticks?"

"You, sing _Defying Gravity_ in some green paint? I think not! Go and get the mask!"

Then Miss Pulcinella Lucas, the drama teacher, entered the dressing room.

"The show is off."

"What?" Drew asked.

"The show. It is off."

"But why?"

"It was supposed to be on today, Friday. But Fridays are no more. Fridays have been stolen. Therefor we can't put up the show. I'm sorry Drew. I know this show was very important to you."  
"Does this mean it's Saturday?" asked a girl playing Keith Moon.

"Nobody is quite sure," replied Miss Lucas and left.

Drew kicked a stool and ripped some costumes off a hanger to express his rage. He pushed his sunnies up.

"No. Stop washing off your make up, everyone. The show is not off."

"But Miss Lucas said it was."

"I am not letting some sourpus ruin what I have worked so hard for. I am going to find him and give him a piece of my mind!"

"Might be a she."  
"Or she."

Then he left, Sirius tagging along. He felt a bit like a side-kick, as he tried to keep up, and couldn't really say he enjoyed that. So he decided to just run off on his own, after all, he knew who was wearing the mask, who hated Fridays and how to find him and Drew didn't, as far as he knew.

Snape was on the first floor, looking down on the spectators on the ground floor from the balustrade, taunting them and wearing the mask.

"My custard!" Peter cried.

"I stole Friday! Friday is mine! You will never have it back!"

"Are you making a trifle?" Sirius asked.

"Dimwitted fool! This box of custard _is_ Friday! God you are so stupid!"

"If you don't return it you will become jelly!"  
"You want this? Come and get it, then!"

Snape stuck the box down his pants. Sirius greatly dreaded what he had to do in order to get it. Drew pushed him aside.

"Oi, you the idiot who stole Friday and my show?"

"Oh thank God you arrived, Drew, you must stop him! He has custard in his pants you must take his pants off and get the custard!"  
"Who wants to know?" Snape asked back, nonchalant.

"Why steal Friday?" Drew asked.

"Why? Because I hate Friday! Friday is the stupidest day of the week! I hate all stupid things, I hate you Gryffindorks, I hate ostriches because they are said to have the tiniest brain in proportion to their eyes in all the animal kingdom and I hate Fridays because everybody relaxes their minds on Fridays and can't think of anything but wallow in relentless stupidity come Friday night! Does that answer your question?!"

Drew just gawped at him.

"Yup. He's always like that," Sirius told him.

Drew removed his sun glasses.

"I want you," he said to Snape.

Snape backed away, uneasy.

"Should have mentioned I also loath blokes with glasses, because glasses makes a person look so intelligent and it always such a let down when such an ocularily impaired person turns out to be so massively dumb but I've learned now that the thicker the glass, the thicker the head."

"Return Friday," said Drew. "You should be the Grinch. You _are_ the Grinch. You must star in my show today!"

"Steady on, Drew!" said Sirius, beginning to fear for Drew's sanity.

"Be my Grinch!" said Drew. "What do you say? Please!"  
Snape couldn't possibly have considered acting in all his life. But never would he back away from an opportunity to ruin something for Sirius.

"Yeah I'll take the lead in your show!"

"Great! Take the custard out of your pants and come with me! I can see the mask fits you perfectly. You're not feeling affected by it in anyway?"

"I'd have to have a pretty weak mind to be affected by it!"

"Not cool, Drew!" said Sirius. "You promised me that role. You can't just change your mind, Miss Lucas won't allow it."

"If you wanted the mask, you shouldn't have lost it!" Drew replied.


	22. Chapter 22

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 22 SATURDAY**

Home sweet home, in James's case anyway. Home not so sweet home where Sirius was concerned. His ears were still ringing from last night. He lied in bed, acoustic Fibson in lap, showing off to nobody but the posters on his wall. Stairway To Heaven, wasted on wallpaper.

"Solo bit nee noo nee noo nee noo nee noo! Falsetto! _AND AS WE WIND ON DOWN THE ROAD-_ Ooops."

Stupid plektrum broke! What sort of crap quality was it! That was the last time he'd use unicorn bone!

Just as well. He could hear angry steps ascending the stairs, but they changed their mind when he stopped singing.

He searched in his bowl of plektrums for a different one, and found the one he had received by Father Spank. This better had be of decent quality, he thought.

"Hmmm," What song to play now? Perhaps he'd write one. "Let's see...A Minor 7..."

Pop and he disappeared.

XXX

Sirius reassembled in a strange location where everything was built from gingerbread. He could see that he had landed in a sweet tooth's dream. He wasn't a sweet tooth, 'though. He was still waiting for the day he'd be swept away to a land of puff pastry and profiteroles. A chap could dream.

This place, with the candy cane chimneys and candy floss clouds, was just too much for him. It made him a little sick to be honest.

The streets were empty and quiet. It just seemed wrong, for the streets in a cheery looking place such as this to be so void of people, especially at Christmas time. Here and there, as he wandered along the sidewalk, he saw the severed heads of gingerbread men and their scattered limbs. These are the people of this town, he thought. And something's been preying on them, he also thought.

Suddenly it all made sense!

"Hi," said Remus.

That was his voice, and that was his face. But the hawaii shirts and khaki shorts were new.

"There's an outfit I've never imagined would suit you that well," Sirius remarked.

"You've imagined me in this outfit?"

"Haven't you?"

"Imagined me in this outfit?"

"No, imagined _me_ in that outfit."

"No, I've never imagined you in this outfit."

"Why are you in that outfit?"

"It's a very long story so I won't bore you with it."

"That's very thoughtful. Anyway, regarding all the massacred gingerbread men, I just want to say I don't blame you."

"Ok. I don't blame you either."

"You weren't yourself!"

"You're accusing me of massacring all the gingerbread men in this village?"

"No, _you're_ accusing yourself!"  
"I'm accusing your familiar. Your familiar did this."

"My familiar? It's here?"

Remus whipped out one of those Catchys and hatched a blue fox. It had put on quite a bit of weight since Sirius last saw it.

"What you been feeding it?"

"I haven't fed it. It's been eating all the gingerbread men here."

The fox burped. That was going on a diet. Sirius sent it back to the spirit plane, where hopefully it would get some spirit exercise.

"I guess you've been looking for a way to get back."

"No. I know how to get back."

"So why have you been shirking school? We were going to start looking for you."

"At first I broke the snow globe. So I wandered far and wide all the way to the mountain top over there, to speak to the all-wise Miss Foxy Nine-Tails, and ask her to use her magical-genki-kitsune powers to repair the snow globe. I also asked some totally casual questions about gingerbread men tracking and trapping."

"You're surrounded by slaughtered gingerbread men. Isn't this what you want?"

"It's not what I want!"

"So tell me what you want, what you really, really want!"

"I wanna ah- I wanna ah- I wanna ah-Ah-AH-CHOO! I think I got a pecan allergy."

"You allergic to a nut, is that like the opposite of cannibalism?"

"First of all, I don't want any gingerbread man, it has to be that one gingerbread man. And second, I have to be the one to eat it!"

"If this is just some petty feud between you and a gingebread man, then I am totally cool with that."  
"Great.

"Although I am kind of pissed off you just disappeared without a word like that. We were seriously getting worried. "

"Didn't you get my post card?"

"No. But the past is the past. Anyway, since I'm here, I think I'll send Prongs a season greeting. Where can I get a post card?"

"I can get you one, with my gingerbread polaroid camera!"  
A gingerbread box with a lens hung around Remus's neck. He picked it up, took a nice photo of the town and printed it on a piece of gingerbread with icing.

"That's really nice," Sirius thought.

"Here's a bag of icing. Why don't you write on the back?"

Sirius's icing skills was a lot less nice. The icing just flooded out, creating a mess but no message. He could only just read it, but he wasn't sure if anybody else would be able to.

"Can you read that?"

"I can interpret it."

"Splendid. Send." He flung it in the claws of a passing owl.

Pop. Then James fell off a broomstick from quite the height, landing in a pile of italian meringue. He managed to get out of it.

"I am here," he said. "I see that you are here, too."

Sirius wiped some of that meringue off him and ate.

"So," James went on. "Anybody care to fill me in?" He looked sternly at Sirius. "No! No! _No!"_

Sirius stuck his tongue out, and then he stuck it in some more meringue. James looked around, saw all the massacred gingerbread men, and turned to Remus.

"I- Oh hello, nice shirt."

"Thank you."

"I just want you to know I don't blame you for any of this."

"I don't blame you either."

"IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT!"

Then the post card hit him in the head, corner first. "Ow."

Sirius whispered to him: "It was the fox, ok?" Wink.

"I know that sometimes Mr Fox just wants to come out!"

So now that they had all found each other, they asked themselves, now what? Then they asked each other that.

"Now what?" James asked.

"I, too, am waiting for just that," said Sirius. "Just what did Miss Foxy Nine-Tails say?" 

Remus fiddled with a locket that hanged around his neck.

"She gave me some of her...-"

"Fur?"

"Hair."

"Oh."

"To hang around my neck, like so."

"Looks more like fur to me."

"Supposed to bring me luck. I also lined one of my catchys with some of it. That ought to do the trick!"

Then pop, that very gingerbread man appeared. It couldn't even open its mouth before the fur lined catchy hit it and swallowed it.

"Yess!" Remus fetched it and stroked the lucky bit of fur around his neck. Pop. He was gone.

Again.


	23. Chapter 23

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 23 SUNDAY**

When Remus materiealised in the Kitsune Queens castle he still had his fingers around the gingerbread man's little neck.

"I got you this time! Prepare to be eaten, quarter by quarter!"  
The gingerbread man wept tears of icing.

"No please no! Spare me! I have wives and a kid!"  
Typical! Remus sighed.

"I guess I can't eat you then."

Shame. He had worked so hard to track down this particular gingerbread man, that had been described in Fantastic Biscuits for its great curse breaking abilities.

The gingerbread man smirked to himself. A bit stupid to not smirk more discretely, Remus thought.

"Hang on! You're not just saying you have wives and a kid so I won't eat you?"

"Never! I really do have wives and a kid!"

"Just making sure."  
Looking around for the first time, Remus saw that he was in a sparkling white throne room. He had been here before, when he had asked the Kitsune Queen those casual questions about catching gingerbread men. As for the Kitsune Queen herself, she was standing right beside him, her nine tails reaching the floor like a cape.

"Are you going to eat that?"

"No."  
The Kitsune Queen took the gingerbread man and stuck it in her mouth, ignoring the screams under her teeth.

"De-licious! That's the problem with _you people..."_

Oi what did she mean by 'you people'?

"You get swayed by emotions too easily. Now the moment is gone."  
"What was the point of you eating that?"

"None. I am a fox person. Foxes love gingerbread, you know that. Meanwhile all your problems could have been quarter gone, half gone..."  
"They probably wouldn't have."

"Oh but they would have but you missed out because you're so easily fooled!"

Well it seemed all the more pointless to hang around.

"So thanks for the help anyway, I'll show myself out."  
The Kitsune Queen shut all doors. "I'm not done with you."

"What do you want?"

She showed him to a tall window. "See that building there, with all the fuming chimneys? That's the Plum Pudding Factory. It's run by Sugar Plum Fairies."  
"Sugar Plum Fairies? Awesome!"

"I have tried to nuke it to nothingness, but to no avail. Their Sugar Plum Fairy magic is simply too strong!"

"Whatever for?"

Miss Nine-Tails face contorted in a nasty grimace. "Because I _hate_ plum pudding with a passion! Because plum pudding contains raisins and raisins are grapes and fox-people _hate_ grapes!"

"So don't eat plum puddings, simple."

"Do you know what it's like, attending all sorts of Christmas gatherings and everytime somebody has to serve one of those horrid things that looks like the undigested pellet of a giant rabbit that a goose has crapped on? I want to tear down all of it and build a big shopping mall there instead! That is where you come in!"

"What am I supposed t do?"

"You blow!"  
"A bit harsh..."

"Very harsh! You must blow the entire place down!"

"What no way!"  
"I urge you to think about it. Do not think I'm asking you to do it for free. Do it, and I will give you all of Bubblegum Valley, which is just over there. See the valley over there?"

He did. It was a beautiful valley, too.

"All that will be yours."

"Can you throw in the curtains?"

"Do we have a deal if I throw in the curtains?"

Wow him king of Bubblegum Valley, and owner of those curtains, how could he say no?


	24. Chapter 24

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 24 MONDAY**

The plum pudding factory bore the shape of a large plum pudding, with a few candy cane chimneys sticking out at the top. Remus couldn't say he disagreed with the Kitsune Queen when it came to the aesthetic appearance. It really looked like a giant bird had been passing over the thing.

If he had been asked to knock down, say, a library, it would have seemed more evil. But he was knocking down a polluting factory in favour of a car park. It seemed fairly even steven morally wise.

So he was going to do it, to become the King of Bubblegum Valley AT LAST!

Remus looked around, making sure nobody saw him. If anybody saw him huffing and puffing he'd never hear the end of it.

The coast was clear. He took a deep breath, really filling up those lungs and cheeks.

"I don't care if it's too early," Crap, that was James! "These plum puddings are amazing!"

"Live and let live," Sirius, of course.

They were coming around the corner. How small was this place, for them to always run into eachother?

"You still smelling that bubblegum?" James asked.

"Definitely! I have a gift!"

"There's lots of bubblegum here, are you sure it's the _right_ bubblegum?"

"I know the smell of that shade anywhere! And lo, there he is now."

"Well that wasn't half as epic a journey as I would have hoped for. Plum pudding?"

James offered to Remus some plum pudding. Remus shook his head.

"What's wrong with you both, not touching plum pudding?" James asked.

"You're cheeks look really puffed up," said Sirius. "Have you gorged lots of fizzy pop and are trying not to burp?"

Remus nodded.

"Come on, we're all men here!"

"I sometimes have my doubts about that..," said James.

"You saying real men don't paint their nails?"

"You saying real women can't burp?"

"You saying you've seen it happen?"

"I'm saying... no I haven't."

Meanwhile Remus began to shift from red to blue.

"You're choking!"  
"Quick! The Sirius-Maneuver!"

"What's the Sirius-Maneuver?"

"It's an abnominal thrust. I thought I'd name it after myself, before anybody else describes it!"

"Should you really be _thrusted_ with that?"

"I'm not the one who needs to be thrustedright now!"  
Remus ran inside the factory, before anybody tried to thrust him. Shortly after, an explosion of air bulleted out of the chimney, whistling through candly floss clouds and right into candy-space.

Then Remus came out again.

"I just can't handle fizzy pop."

"Do you want me to thrust you, just in case you got something lodged in your throat?"

"If I had something lodged in my throat I'd know it."

"It might be so small you don't notice until you're dead! And then you're already dead!"

"Hey listen!"  
"What?"

"Don't you want to go home and see your families?"

"Nope! And you?"

"I will, there's just something I need to take care of first."

"What thing?"

"Ok fine! The Kitsune Queen, ruler of The Snow Globe, asked me to knock down this factory."

"No offense, but did she really take you for builder material?" James asked.

"Not exactly but how I do it is not so important. I guess she just took me for somebody of great magical capability, which is correct..."

"So what's in it for you?" Sirius asked.

"She'll make me King of Bubblegum Valley!"

"Why would she want to give you Bubblegum Valley?"

"As thanks for knocking down this factory, I already said that."  
"Bubblegum Valley must be rubbish!"

"Of course it isn't rubbish! I've seen it from a distance and it looks gorgeous. Why do you think it must be rubbish?"

"Because if it wasn't rubbish she wouldn't just give it to you now would she?"

"That's a little cynical."  
"You need to check out what state it is in before you take it!"

"Fine. Let's go and check it out now, so you get to see what a wonderful place it is!"


	25. Chapter 25

**SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS**

 **DECEMBER 25 TUESDAY**

The roads of Bubblegum Valley were paved with bubblegum, the trees carried bubblegum fruit and the people smoked bubblegum pipes. Cannons fired bubblegum and bubblegum machine tanks drove through the city. This was a valley in some kind of war!  
"What's happening?" Remus asked, horrified.

A tank stopped. The driver hopped out, removed the bubblegum helmet and began to explain it all:

"It's the Bubblegum War."  
"What's the Bubblegum War?"

"In the Snow Globe, bubblegum is money. It is the world currency. All the great bubblegum mines are located here. Therefor war."

"Who are you at war with?"

"Right now it's that dastardly Brawn!"

Having outlived her use, the bubblegum soldier hopped back inside the tank and drove off.

"You were right and I was wrong," said Sirius. "I'm not too proud to admit that. It's not at all rubbish."  
"This place is in utter chaos," said Remus.

"You've checked it out. Let's go back and tear down the plum pudding factory! That is my advise, to you. I just give advise like that, like an advisor."

"Suddenly I don't want this place."

"So give it to me, then. I want this."

"I would really rather not knock down that factory. I wouldn't know how to, anyway. It's made up off powerful sugar plum fairy magic apparently."

"It's made up off brick. Can't you just blow it down?"

" _No_ I can't just 'blow it down'!"

"Oh right, that's the one thing you _can't_ blow down."

"Actually, I could, if I could, but I can't, so, whatever."

"It would be a shame to do so anyway, because their plum pudding is great," said James, mouth full. He had been eating on the same pudding since yesterday. "Plum pudding anyone? Plenty to go around!"

"I think I can see Trifle Mountain over there, let's head that way!" said Sirius, pointing.

"I really want to go home now," said Remus.

"Go home? What's the rush?"

"It's Christmas day. My mum is waiting for me."

"So what? My mum is waiting for me. Why don't you do what I did and just send her a cabbage with a hat?"

"Why would I want to send your mum a cabbage with a hat when you've already done it?"

"If I had known you would get so home sick I would have let you do it instead."

"I actually want to go home as well," said James. "Any ideas which way home might be?"

None of them had any clue whatsoever.

There was a crack. The Kitsune Queen, she had found them! She looked very fetching in her white fur coat.

"I have gingerbread men monitoring all the corners of the Snow Globe," she said. "And beyond. Why have you not knocked down the Plum Pudding Factory yet?"

"I changed my mind," said Remus. "Being a king, it's a fulltime job."

"Not really."

"The place is a mess I don't have time for it."

"In The Snow Globe you won't have time for anything else! You will knock down the factory, or Bluebell gets it!"

The Kitsune Queen pulled the long-eared white angora with the fowl temper from her fur hat. She licked her mouth, looking at the rabbit, and almost fell in a trance.

"Mmmmm...looks sooo tasty... I could just eat him up. But I'd hate to mess up my coat."

The Kitsune Queen kept gazing upon the delicions rabbit and licking her lips, not noticing The Brawn wobbling towards her from behind.

"Watch out!" said James.

Miss Nine Tails woke up from her fantasy and looked behind her, but because The Brawn was quite small, she didn't see it.

"Oh. Fool me one time, shame on you."  
"Thought I saw a brawn."

The Kitsune Queen eyed him, suspicious. She looked back once more. Indeed, there was a piece of brawn on the ground, as if dropped there by a caterer in a rush.

"I'm more of a raw food gal myself."

Then the Brawn jumped on her throat. She tried to fight it off.

"Quick, the camera!" said Sirius.

Remus gaved it to him. "What do you need a camera for?"

"It's for my Beast Versus Beast photo collection!" He took several photos.

"Noooo!" cried the Kitsune Queen, the last thing she ever cried before she was fully consumed by the Brawn. It let out a healthy burp. But it was hungry for more.

"Eat soggy bottoms!" said James and began to stuff it well with pies.

The Brawn really was insatiable. The boys stuffed it with soggy bottoms, bubblegum and mammoths for a good 20 minutes until finally it exploded.

The Bubblegum Mayor stepped forth, brushing bits of cold cut meat in a terrine off herself.

"You have rid us off the Brawn and the Wicked Kitsune Queen," she said. "Please accept all of The Snow Globe as a token of gratitude."

"Gosh, it's a tempting offer..," said James, longing for his mums Christmas trifle. "So we'll take it!"

"Excellent!"

"Just one question," said Sirius. "Can we come and go as we please?"

"Certainly. Just click your shoes together three times and say 'There's no taste like gum.'"

"Awesome! And how to we get away from here?"

"Do the same thing, except say it backwards!"

"Thanks!"  
And so the lads clicked their shoes together three times, said 'Mug ekil etsat on sereht' and next thing they knew, they found themselves on Hogsmead station. It had been snowing a whole lot and trains were experiencing technical difficulties, so it was uncertain they'd get home today at all.

But that was alright, because this year they were having a trifle for pudding! And as if by a Christmas miracle, it wasn't going to contain _any_ jelly!


End file.
